BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 6 - Challenged

CHAPTER 6 - CHALLENGED

“You!” Joel repeated back to the King. He couldn’t believe it. Out of all the people in this world or back on Earth, who would’ve suspected that Joel’s history and theory tutor, Andy Small, was in fact the vile king of the Wastelands of Blessed-Topia.

“Why are you here?” Andy Small said down to Joel.

Joel hated Andy. He hated him so much. All those essays. Those awful films that the teacher had made him watch. Joel needed revenge… somehow. Maybe this was how it could be done.

I’d like to note at this point as well, just how unattractive Andy Small is. His face looked like it had been hit with a frying pan repeatedly. The stench of him was like a mouldy sock. His hair was short, stumpy and completely stupid. Just like the man who branded it.

“Well!” Andy cried at Joel, “Answer me! What are you doing in the Wastelands of Blessed-Topia?”

“Well… Andy…” Joel answered sarcastically, “I could ask the same about you!”

Andy Small looked furious. Joel had seen this look before. Pure rage. Andy Small seemed to have numerous fits of rage, often killing students in the process. Joel remembered one time in a lecture that a student’s head got in the way of the screen. A slight shadow had appeared in the bottom of the projection. No one really had noticed. Except Andy Small. He ripped his shirt off, whilst screaming like a mad man. He then picked up an axe from under his desk, ran up the tiers of desks and lopped the poor boy’s head off. It was a disturbing sight for sure, but Joel was used to it as a student more or less every Tuesday in the lecture.

“HOW DARE YOU TALK BACK TO ME!” Andy Small screamed at Joel. He was twitching, drool dripping from his mouth.

“Sorry… Andy…” Joel said with a laugh, “Let me answer for you. Brian Blessed put me inside his beard and I came to this land. I don’t care whether you believe me or not, frankly it doesn’t bother me. I’m just pleased I don’t have to have another one of your lectures!”

Andy snapped. He bit the guard who was neck to him. Ripped a chunk clear out of his arm. As he chewed the piece of flesh gently, Joel watched as he tried to calm himself down.

“Well, let me answer this for you. You are in Blessed-Topia. I have no idea why it is named this, but I assure you that your story about this being a world inside of Brian Blessed’s beard is absolutely absurd! I am, as you can see, the King here. The Wastelands of Blessed-Topia. This is where all people who have been shamed from their real lives come, to live in exile. I, being the man I am, came here quite early and made a big name for myself…”

Joel interrupted, “A big name? Like Andy SMALL? I’m a bit confused now…”

Andy snapped again. This time he dropped to the floor and grabbed Joel’s face with a firm grasp. Sweat dripped from Andy’s brow onto the floor. He spoke clearly to Joel’s face, spitting small pieces of flesh and spit over his face.

“Kill this traitor…” Andy said to his guard.

The guard picked Joel up. “It will be done my lord,” he said as he raised a knife to Joel’s neck.

“No!” cried Andy Small. “Execute him. Something nasty. Rip his spine out. Swap around his eyeballs and his testicles. I want him to suffer.”

“Why don’t you just do it yourself Andy?” Joel cried, impulsively.

“What?” Andy said with interest, leaning in.

“Kill me yourself!” Joel continued. “Or are you too SMALL?”

“A challenge to single combat. You dare to challenge me to single combat,” Andy exclaimed to the hall around him. He stopped. He thought for a moment. “I accept. In one hour, you will be dead by my hand. I want to get my nastiest gear on to make you regret you ever asked… TAKE HIM AWAY!”

Joel was dragged out the hall and thrown back inside his cell. The giant gorilla man was asleep again. Thank god for that.

“What happened?” the mysterious man in the corner asked.

Joel, curious about the man replied, “I challenged him to single combat. I don’t have much time…”

“You stupid boy!” the man cried. “He is a Master of making people suffer. Have you not seen the films he shows? He’ll make one about you if you fail… and believe me… at the moment, you will fail.”

Joel looked to the floor, trying not to show his fear. “What can you do about it?” he mumbled.

For the first time, Joel heard a shuffle from the corner. The man was standing up. He slowly walked into the light. He was tall and lean, middle aged, but looked strong. A robe encased the man, looking slightly like a Jedi.

“Who are you?” asked Joel.

“My name is Martin Ducker,” the man replied, “Master Instructor of Kuk Sool Won.”

Joel stood there, looking puzzled. “Cook sul what?”

“Kuk Sool Won, Korean Martial Art. I can train you. I can help you. But you have to believe…” Martin continued. “Well?”

Joel stood there again, “Erm… not to be rude or anything, but you’ve not told me what to believe in yet…”

“Leprechauns! Tell me they’re real and I’ll help you!” Martin shouted.

Joel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Leprechauns. It was ridiculous. But this man may be able to help him… “Fine, Martin. Leprechauns are real!”

“NO!” screamed Martin to Joel. “You can’t just say it! Believe! BELIEVE IT!” By this point, the strange master was so close to Joel’s face that he could’ve bitten his nose… if he had wanted to that is.

“I believe. Leprechauns… are… real. Please, help me…” Joel replied.

Martin looked at him, he thought for a few moments. Eventually he spoke up, “Fine… let us begin…”

Martin threw off the cape surrounding him. Underneath he wore some Spongebob Squarepants pyjama bottoms, this would’ve been extremely homosexual if not for the fact that Martin has the best abs Joel had ever seen. His six pack looked like you could grate a full block of cheese on it. Simply fantastic. Joel, of course, was still wearing no trousers or pants. By this point though, he was beginning to forget about that.

“First thing you need to know about Kuk Sool Won,” said Martin to Joel “Is kicking… kick with your heels! Not your foot!”

Joel looked down at his feet. “Surely the heel is part of your foot?” he asked.

Martin slapped Joel around the head. It came as quite a shock to be honest.

“Don’t think! Do!” Martin said.

“Now you’re just quoting Yoda!” Joel exclaimed. He received another clap to the back of his head.

“There is no try! DO IT!” Martin screamed. The master kicked through the air, demonstrating. Joel gave up arguing, he tried to match the kick. It was harder than it looked.

Joel and Martin continued training for a while, but it was hard for Joel to concentrate when all he could think about was the impending wrath of Andy Small. What had he done?

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 7 - GEOFFREY'S WRATH

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 5 - The Old Man

CHAPTER 5 - THE OLD MAN

Little Bozling and Michaedeer stood at the entrance of the cold cavern. They both looked to the sky.

“Where do you think he could be?” asked Little Bozling. Michaedeer just hiccupped in reply. Clearly, she was still extremely drunk.
“We must find him! We must save him!” Little Bozling said bravely.

Finally, Michaedeer spoke up. “Why should we help him? He’s done nothing for us!”

“For the smallest time, I thought he was my friend. I’ve never had any friends before…” said Little Bozling quietly.

Michaedeer laughed at him. “No friends? Loser!” she exclaimed, tauntingly.

“He may have wine?” Little Bozling said in hope. Finally Michaedeer’s ear pricked up.

“Wine?” she grinned. “That’ll do me just fine. Let’s go!”

The two of them set off, out from the cave exit. Once again the snowy wastelands stood before them.

“Over there!” cried Michaedeer. Little Bozling looked over; sure enough there was smoke coming from a nearby mountain. They both began to run. Michaedeer was considerably faster than Little Bozling.

“Would you mind if I rode on your back for a while?” Little Bozling asked, “My legs are so small, and I can’t keep up…”

Before he had time to finish Michaedeer stopped dead in her tracks. Little Bozling walked over to her slowly. “Oh, thank you… I am so tired…” he said.

She just looked at him though. “I didn’t say yes. There’s as much chance you riding on my back, as there is a posh mongoose, dressed in a tux, smoking a pipe walking past!” she cried out.

Strangely enough at that point they heard pacing. Little Bozling gasped as a small rodent, looking a lot like a mongoose walked past them. It was walking on two legs, and wearing a very expensive looking suit. It had a monocle over one eye. In one hand was a pipe that it was smoking, and the other hand held a small cane that it spun around.
“Good day…” the mongoose said to them as it walked past into the distance.
Little Bozling just looked at Michaedeer. “So can I…”

“NO! That wasn’t meant to happen!” she shouted.

She began to run again, followed soon by Little Bozling. Eventually they made their way over to the smoking mountain. When they reached it, they gasped at what they saw. The full sized porter dragon was lying on the floor. It was breathing, but didn’t look very alive at all. They wandered over to it. Both its wings were severely snapped and a brown paste covered its eyes.

“My god! What happened to you?” Little Bozling asked the monster.

The dragon looked at them and sighed in pain, “That boy… was too strong, I couldn’t shake him. He wouldn’t leave me alone. I was going to drop him off somewhere, but before I could… he…” the beast groaned in pain.

“He what? What did he do?” Michaedeer asked anxiously.

“He… pooped… in both my eyes… I can’t see a thing… I’m blind. And the smell… the smell is unbearable! It’s like a cat died and was eaten by a dog that then died because of the smell of the cat, then they rotted together to form one horrible smell… that’s how bad it is! PLEASE! Kill me!” the dragon cried out.

“That’s disgusting…” said Michaedeer quietly. “What do we do now?” She looked over, Little Bozling was being sick in a bush. He had just gotten a whiff of the smell from the dragon’s eyes.

“We’ll do as you ask if you tell us where Joel went!” Michaedeer demanded.

“I don’t know,” the dragon screamed in pain, “I can’t see anything!”

“This one’s no good to us,” Michaedeer said to Little Bozling. “We should do as he asked, and put him out of his misery.”

“And how do you propose we do that?” Little Bozling asked her back, walking over to them,” I don’t exactly have any dragon poison with me!”

Michaedeer grinned. “Look away,” she said. Little Bozling did as she asked. He then heard some horrendous slashing noise, splatting, and the dragon screaming. When he turned round again, the dragon was in at least 60 pieces. It was everywhere. It’s purple blood stained the snow and the walls.

“How did you do that?” he asked, amazed.

“I’ll show you some other time!” she laughed to him.

At this point, the story gets really quite scary, for all the kids that may be reading this, stop doing so now.

Little Bozling and Michaedeer looked around for what to do next. They had no leads at all. They then heard a voice. He sounded Australian. “I am NOT! NOT! NOT! Happy at all!” he cried out. They then saw him for the first time. He was quite old, and chubby. He wore a Hawaiian shirt, very tights shorts, socks and sandals. He waddled over to them.

“Not happy with what, sir?” Little Bozling asked.

“Look at the mess you made!” he screamed at them angrily, my door is ruined. They both looked to where he was pointing. There was a small opening in the wall, looked like a small house had been built into the mountain. Sure enough, purple dragon’s blood was all over it. A large sphere was next to the door as well.

“What’s that?” Little Bozling asked, looking at the sphere.

“That? That’s a dragon testicle! Disgusting! I should! Ooh! Aah!” the old man cried at them.

This man was clearly disturbed. Spitting and cursing at them like crazy. He kept walking up to their faces and randomly breathing at them. No reason. It was all very odd. Eventually though, he calmed down and starting breathing slightly slower.

“I’m sorry,” he said to them. “It’s just so irritating for a man in my position.” He then looked at Little Bozling. His eyes grew wider. A grin crept across his face. He licked his lips. “Why don’t you come in? For a nice cup of tea…”

Little Bozling and Michaedeer looked at each other. “I’m sorry,” Michaedeer said gently, but we need to find our friend.

“You mean the fellow with no trousers or pants?” the old man asked.

“Yeah!” Little Bozling exclaimed. “That’s the one! Where is he?”

The old man started walking towards his door. “Come in, relax, and we’ll talk all about that.”

So sure enough, Michaedeer and Little Bozling followed him through his door, into the mountain house. It was nice inside. It felt cosy, and warm. A small fire was burning in the middle. They both sat around it while the Australian man fiddled about in the kitchen.

He then walked over to them, and handed them both a cup of tea.

“So, what’s an Australian man like you doing all the way out here in Blessed-Topia?” Little Bozling asked.

“Me? I was banished here, don’t like to say why though,” the old man replied. “Now… let’s talk about your friend…”

“I was banished too,” Michaedeer said quietly. “I used to be Santa’s top reindeer girl, but when I discovered wine, I became addicted and couldn’t stop… and they sent me here…”

Little Bozling gasped, “I thought I was the only one banished out here! It’s because I’m small that I’m here!”

They both looked at him. Bit of a stupid reason they thought. “Anywho… your friend…” the Australian man said. “The guards captured him. They are taking him to Castle W02!”

“Oh no!” screamed Little Bozling, “We must go! We must save him!”

“We will little man, don’t you fret… but first… enjoy tea with good ol’ Geoff,” the man said.

It was at this point when Little Bozling started to become dizzy. He fell to the floor. “What’s happening?” he said. He looked over at Michaedeer. She was on the floor. Already passed out.

“You see little guy… I like to molest young elves… I like to do it… Aah!”

The last thing Little Bozling saw before he passed out was the fire. The fire wood was bones. Small bones. And then it was black.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 6 : CHALLENGED

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 4 - Castle W02

CHAPTER 4 - CASTLE W02

The porter dragon slammed into the ground. Joel had never felt such a force. He flew straight from the creature’s eye and flew forwards. Thump. He hit something hard. It felt like a person. Joel looked up, his whole world spinning. It was a person. He had landed on a person. Unfortunately, Joel had clearly crushed the poor man. It was strange though, he wore some strange uniform.

“I’m sorry,” Joel said to the dead corpse, trying to stand up. Suddenly, he felt a sharp point at his neck. At this point, he pooed. Luckily he still was wearing no trousers, so it didn’t make too much mess.

“Who are you?” a voice asked from behind him.

“I’m Joel. Don’t ask anymore, because I really, really don’t know myself! I just did battle with a dragon! Did you not see that? Who are you?” Joel said back to him.

“My name is not important. I am a royal guard for Castle W02. And you just killed my partner!” the voice angrily shouted at him.

“I didn’t mean to,” Joel begged him; “It was an accident! And what do you mean Castle W02?”

The point got closer to Joel’s neck. “Think you’re funny do ya?” the voice screamed at him. The next thing Joel knew, he was being dragged by his hair along the ground by the guard.

“Help me!” he shouted, but all he could see was the dragon laid across the floor. Both its eyes smothered in brown paste. Poor thing. The pain on the back of his neck was excruciating! And as well as that, the cold snow underneath was slowly giving frost bite to his anus!
“Please put me down!” Joel cried again, but this just made the guard pull harder.

After what seemed like an entire age, Joel felt the snow underneath his butt cheeks beginning to fade. But wait! This was worse! Gravel! He screamed as loud as he could as the rough gravel pierced every crack and crevice around his backside. The ground then turned to cobblestone. “What the hell is going on?” he cried.

“This is Castle W02! You are a trespasser on this land, and you must be punished!” Joel heard the guard say.

“But I promise I won’t crush anyone again! Please! I’ll leave right now!”

It was no good though. Joel watched the sky above him disappear. It was replaced by a huge set of doors, guards passed him in dozens. Just how big was this castle? A huge roof seemed to stretch for miles above him. Every new room he was dragged into got slightly darker, and more slimy. Where were they taking him? He then heard a loud clang and the guard yanked Joel’s hair until he was stood up. The guard threw Joel forward into a dark cell.

“No! Don’t look me in the dungeon! Please!” Joel begged to the guard.

The guard simply smiled back at him, “I will see you later…” he sniggered, and then walked off.

Joel looked around his cell. Everything was so dark. Slime covered the wall, the floors were all greasy and the roof dripped water constantly. He then heard a cough and turned slowly. He wasn’t alone in here. Behind him was the biggest man he had ever seen. His arms were gigantic, like someone had put two tree trunks onto a body. His face was deeply scarred all over and his hair had mostly fallen out. The huge fists were being cracked just in front of Joel’s face.

“Oh god…” Joel said, once again thinking this was the end. He waited for the punch. The pain. And the poo that would come out of him. There was nothing though. Joel looked up at the man again.

“Oo oo ee ah oo!” the man said. What? He spoke like a gorilla.

Joel was trying very hard not to laugh at this point. “Pardon?” he chuckled.

The giant man then fainted. Joel just stood there. “This is the strangest day…” Joel said to himself.

“Don’t worry about him. He’s narcoleptic,” a voice called from the darkness. Joel hadn’t realised that another person was in here too. It sounded like it was coming from the corner of the room, but that entire area was shrouded in shadow.

“Who are you?” Joel asked.

“Don’t ask about me. Just worry about him,” the voice said again.

“He’s out cold!” Joel laughed back.

“He may be out cold at the moment, but when he gets up… you’re in for some trouble… they tortured him till he spoke like a gorilla… very odd I know, but he’s one mean guy now! He can’t detect movement though. So just stay still!”

“I’m not staying still!” Joel shouted back at him, “I need to get out of here!” Joel turned and pounded on the bars. “HELP!” He pulled and twisted them. “I’m not meant to be here!” he cried. He walked up and down, trying to find a weakness. He hadn’t realised however that the gargantuan man had woken up though, and was starting to rise up from the floor.

“Stop moving!” the voice called out. Joel didn’t hear though. He just carried on banging. Next thing he realised was he was in the air. The huge beast of a man had picked Joel clean up and was holding him above his head. The giant made crazy monkey noises. He dropped Joel to the floor. In both a fit of rage and panic, Joel began to madly swing at the giant man, hoping to hit him somewhere that hurt. He hit his stomach. His face. Even his groinal area, but the giant just laughed back at Joel. He then had a quick idea, something that would always scare people away. Joel turned round and farted straight in the direction of the huge man. The huge man spluttered. He coughed. It was clear that the smell was absolutely horrendous. The giant gagged. Joel was pleased for the smallest of moments, thinking that he was victorious. Unfortunately, he had just angered the mad gorilla man even more. The huge man picked Joel up by both his arms and shoved him into his mouth. He then proceeded to suck him, a bit like a baby’s dummy.

The experience for Joel was, as you guessed, not very pleasant at all. The giant’s mouth was all wet and hot. A bit like a rectum. Joel thought for a quick moment about what to do next. Why would that mysterious man in the corner not come and help him? He looked around for something to attack, but he didn’t have the use of his arms or legs. Joel leaned forward and nutted one of the man’s teeth. He yelled in pain and sat Joel out. He was covered head to toe in slobber. Joel froze when he hit the floor. He can’t move. The giant looked around for Joel, sometimes looking right at him, but unable to see him. The beast of a man rubbed his tooth then retreated to the back of the room, growling.

By this point, Joel was trying to stop the tears. This was by far the worst day of his life. How could it possibly get any worse?

There was another loud clang. The door that Joel was leaning upon flew open, making him fall backwards. The guard pulled Joel to his feet.
“Had fun in there did you?” he chuckled.

“Please! Let me go!” Joel said back, trying to stay calm.

“Sure, I’ll let you go… but first the king wants a quick word with you…” he pushed Joel towards the door. Because of his still throbbing hair and constantly aching buttocks, Joel obliged. He wanted no more pain today. The guard led him into a gigantic room. It was full to the brim of what looked like video tapes. Literally, Joel could only see VHS tapes. The floor was made of the tapes. The ceiling was. It even looked like the room was being held together by video case walls and giant DVD pillars. He carried on walking through, heading towards a big crowd. Who were they all around? It had to be the King, but Joel didn’t know who to expect.

The guard pushed through the crowd and finally pushed Joel to the floor.

“You!” the King cried out in horror.

Joel looked up slowly, “You?” he repeated back.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 5 : THE OLD MAN

New Pictures!

I've decided that, due to myself having so much fun making this story, I would make some more pictures. Best way to do this is to add one picture today for each of the chapters.

I have now made seven of these said pictures... Here are the ones for Chapters 1, 2 and 3... from now on, you can look forward to a little illustration at the end of each future chapter! Watch out for Chapter 4 tonight!

CHAPTER 1 - JOEL


CHAPTER 2 - LITTLE BOZLING



CHAPTER 3 - MICHAEDEER

STAY TUNED!

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 3 - Michaedeer

CHAPTER 3 - MICHAEDEER

Joel was so scared. What was lying in this cave waiting for him? Was it mean? Little Bozling was terrified as well, what if whatever it was didn’t like his hair? They then saw something crawling out of the deep black. It hiccupped. What the? Joel peered forward, squinting. It was furry. Crawling on all fours. Some dying dog? No… it was much bigger than that. They both suddenly realised what it was.

It was some kind of reindeer. Well, at least its body was. A reindeer crawling on its knee. Looking half dead. But it had a girls head. With full blonde hair and everything. How incredibly odd. They saw it hiccup again. It swayed back and forth.

“What are you?” Little Bozling bravely said.

“DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” the creature said, its voice wobbling. The poor animal proceeded to soiled itself quite violently, then collapse. They both walked up to it cautiously. What was it? A reindeer… girl? Was it dead? Joel poked it. No response.

“I think it could be dead…” said Joel. “Do we eat it?”

The creature then stirred. “I don’t want to buy the baby milking tool from Iceland!” it mumbled.

Little Bozling and Joel looked at each other. They then both started to laugh hysterically. Was it some kind of drunken reindeer? Its fur sure looked warm though. Little Bozling sat down and snuggled into it. “Don’t worry; it looks like it’ll be out for a while!” Little Bozling said to Joel. Joel sat down next to Little Bozling, wrapping the creature’s fur around him too. They sat there for a while, slowly warming up, listening to the raging storm outside.

Suddenly there was a loud rumble. They both looked up. The cave was shaking.

“What’s going on?” cried Joel. Little Bozling was running around in circles screaming though. “What? What is it?” shouted Joel again.

“AVALANCHE!” screamed Little Bozling. Sure enough a few moments later Joel watched in horror as the opening of the cave disappeared to a landslide of thick white snow. He closed his eyes and waited for it to stop. When he opened them again, there was nothing but darkness.

“Little Bozling?” Joel called out.

“I’m here,” replied the small voice.

“What’s going on?” mumbled a third voice.

“There was some kind of avalanche; we’re trapped in here…” Joel said into the darkness. He then heard a horrendous vomiting noise. “What was that?”

“My bad!” the third voice called out. “Bad night, last night!”

“What exactly are you?” Little Bozling asked.

“Me… why I’m Michaedeer. Also known as a Michaela Reindeer. I’m a very rare breed. Don’t ask how I was conceived!” it said back.

“Don’t worry… I won’t!” Joel answered back. “We need to get out of here though! Let’s move! But which way?”

“We need some kind of light,” said Little Bozling. “Wait there, I’ve got an idea.”

Joel heard lots of scuffling about in the darkness. He then heard two rocks clicking together. Next thing he knew, his pubic hair was on fire again! “NO!” shouted Joel, “STOP DOING THAT!” For the briefest period of time all three of them glanced at each other in the dim light. A 19 year old six foot tall human being, a two foot tall elf with fantastic hair and a drunken half girl, half reindeer. It was the strangest thing Joel had ever seen. Before he patted his hair out, he looked around. “Over there! That’s the way! Head down there!”

Joel tapped his groin until it went out. They all felt along the wall and followed the path.

“So what are you gays doing in this neck of Blessed-topia?” Michaedeer asked.

“I’m not gay!!” shouted Joel at her back. “What makes you say that?”

“Just the fact you’re half naked… and all elves are gay… that’s a known fact!” she replied.

“Well, I happen to be half naked because I was kidnapped just after having a shower! Brian Blessed put me in his beard and I ended up in this hell hole! Now I’m stuck in some horrible dark cavern with an elf and a drunken reindeer person!” Joel cried out.

“What makes you think I’m drunk?” she asked him back.

“Just a hunch…” Little Bozling giggled from the darkness.

“Now listen here,” she called back to him, “When you’re unfortunate enough to be a half girl, half reindeer… let’s see if you don’t enjoy a little bit of wine now and again!”

“I see a light!” Joel then shouted out. Sure enough in front of him was the smallest speck of light. “It’s gotta be a way out!” Joel began to run towards it, followed closely by Little Bozling.

“Wait! Don’t go that way! That’s why I’m here!” Michaedeer cried out. Joel stopped dead on the stop; Little Bozling couldn’t slow down in time and run straight forward into Joel’s buttocks. His face was deeply lodged between both cheeks.

“Why? What’s ahead?” Joel slowly asked. It was too late, he heard a loud roar. “What was that?”

Suddenly the entire cavern filled with light. Whatever was ahead blocking the way had just moved. The light at first was blinding, but when Joel focused on it he nearly gasped. It was a dragon. No joke. A full 50 foot long bright red dragon. Under its scales glowed orange, like lava was passed through its veins.

“That can’t be what I think it is… can it? Dragons aren’t real!” Joel shouted.

“I don’t know what weird world you come from! But dragons are very real in Blessed-topia! This is a very nasty one that was chasing me; it seems to be the porter of this cave. One very fat, big and nasty porter!” Michaedeer cried back.

“We have a horrendously fat porter in Farnham!” Joel laughed back to her

“Well this is no time to laugh! This is a porter dragon! And it will eat you! JUMP!” Michaedeer screamed.

The dragon lunged forwards at Joel. He screamed like a girl and jumped out of the way. To be honest, I would have expected, should this have been a fiction piece that Joel was eaten at this point, after all, what chance does he have with a dragon? Not the case though, Joel was stronger than he looked. Well, only by accident.

As Joel jumped out the way, his foot wrapped around one of the dragon’s teeth by accident. The creature pulled its head out of the cave dragging Joel with it. Joel had never been so scared in all his life. Surely this was the end? He dangled helplessly from the creature’s mouth. It tried to shake him off but Joel’s foot was really jammed in there. The porter dragon took off. In an instant Joel was hundreds of feet in the air, upside down from a dragon’s mouth, still half naked. He had not expected this when he woke up that morning. Joel fiddled to try and get his foot loose, it then budged. Joel grabbed the creatures scales and pulled his foot clean out. He was now holding on to the creatures lip with all his might.

The creature opened its huge mouth, Joel still holding on, and shot fire straight out. The huge flames singed Joel’s fingers. They hadn’t hurt this much since he accidentally trapped them in a toilet seat once. Still, he held on, gasping for breath, seeing his life flashing before his eyes.

The porter dragon then took a very steep dive. The G-Force was incredible; Joel lost his grip and flew into the air. The creature levelled out and Joel dropped straight on top of its nose. It looked so angry. Just like the fat porter in Farnham University when you took some food away from him. Joel grabbed a horn on the snout of the dragon and looked down. Underneath him was a huge expansive world, covered in snow full of forests and mountains. Joel then had a slight accident. Not being very good with heights, Joel got nervous suddenly. A bit of poo came out his bum, he couldn’t help it. The poo flew straight back with the incredible speed of the dragon. It splatted straight into the porter dragon’s eye. The creature screamed in agony. Not only did the faecal matter sting its eye like crazy, the sheer smell of it was also unbearable. It carried on roaring in pain, and blinked trying to wipe the poo from its eye.

The porter dragon did not see the mountain ahead of it though, and its wing smashed into hard rock suddenly. The force of the crash threw Joel off the horn. He flew straight back into the creatures other eye. Pfft. Joel farted. The porter dragon had now been blinded in both its eyes. It began to drop from the sky. Joel has just pushed further back into the creature’s eye with the velocity he was travelling at. He waited for the ground to hit. Surely this was the end for him?

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 4 : CASTLE W02

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 2 - Little Bozling

CHAPTER 2 - LITTLE BOZLING

Joel slowly opened his eyes. He looked around. All around him was complete white. His eyes were still slightly blurred from whatever just happened. He then managed to focus a little more on the floor. It was snow. All around him was snow. It looked like he was in some form of Winter Wonderland. Like in some movie. It was at this point when he realised how unbelievably cold he was. Wearing no trousers or pants was a bad idea he then realised. He had to find some somewhere! But where was he?

Now of course, from this point on, details will be more sketchy, no one knows the absolute true account of what happened inside Brian Blessed’s beard to Joel, but this story is pretty much true.

Joel stood up. He looked around at pure snow everywhere. Not a person in sight. Just white. “Hello!” he called out. But there was no reply. He looked backwards, it was all the same. He looked up, it was all the same. How had he got here? Surely Brian Blessed’s beard wasn’t this big? He began to walk forward. His feet froze underneath him with every step he took. Shivers ran up and down his body. “Hello!” he called out again, but only wind greeted him back. It was a horrible gust of wet snow that stung his cheeks, both kinds of cheeks.

He continued his journey forward. After what seemed like an hour, he was still in the middle of nowhere. By this point his entire body was covered in goosebumps. The hair covering his body was all stood on end. He looked left… a tree. He looked right… a rock. He looked left again… a bush. Wait! A bush? That was a tree a moment ago! What was going on? “SOMEONE HELP ME!” shouted Joel.

It was at this point where our second character comes into the story. Little Bozling was always known as the smallest of the elves. He was 204 years old, but still the size of a 3 year old elf! Barely reaching two feet! Also, unfortunately, he had not even yet entered puberty. Something was surely wrong, but let’s not talk about that. While the other elves used to make toys and gifts for children, all Little Bozling ever wanted to do was play Red Alert 3 on his Xbox 360, a violent video game that wasn’t allowed in the Land of Elves. Poor Little Bozling was banished from the Land of Elves for being so small and strange, and now lived a life of solitude in the middle of nowhere, and this is how he met Joel…

Joel at this point was crying his eyes out. His willy had actually frozen solid. He tried to cry out tears, but they just froze and dropped onto the snow like stones. He looked up one more time, losing all hope of ever getting out. It was then that he saw a red and green figure run past the bush to his left.

“Hello?” called Joel, “Please! Help me!” Nothing happened though. Joel tried to call out again but it was no use. He passed out.

When he awoke again, he felt warm. He could feel no snow. Actually, he was really hot. REALLY hot! He looked down. His pubic hair was on fire. Joel screamed. He tried to tap it out with his hand, but that just burnt his fingers. Joel quickly stood up and banged his head, he didn’t think about that though, he just ran out of a passage in front of him. He was back in the snow. This time though he jumped belly first into it. The snow felt amazing against his simmering groin. He looked back; he had been in a small hut. It can’t have been more than four feet tall. It looked hand built, not professional at all.

“Hello?” he called again, getting tired of this single word phrase by this point.

A little head poked out the door of the hut. Whatever it was had the most amazing hair Joel had ever seen. It was so blonde and fluffy. It flowed like silk off the crown of the head. It looked golden and even glowed a little. Joel tried to take his focus off the hair though. He looked at the person. They can’t have been more than two feet tall. He had rosy red cheeks, and quite an attractive body.

“Hello? Who are you?” Joel asked.

The little man walked out. He stumbled over to Joel, looking scared. “My name is Little Bozling,” the small figure said.

“Hello Little Bozling,” just said, puzzled at the situation. “And what are you?”

“Me… I’m an elf. I dragged you here. This is my home. You looked so cold. So I thought I’d start a fire. Problem is that I had no firewood!” said Little Bozling back to Joel.

Joel was honestly quite furious with the elf for setting alight to his pubic hair, but didn’t want to say anything as the small creature had indeed saved him. Little Bozling signalled for Joel to come back inside, so he did. They both sat in the small hut looked at each other. The situation did quickly become quite awkward.

“So…” Joel embarrassingly said. “Many other elves around here?” The elf just stared at him for a long time. Suddenly Little Bozling started to cry. Joel didn’t know what to do. “Oh no! Sorry! I didn’t mean to…”

“No! It’s okay! I’m banished. I’m the smallest elf! I’m a freak! If it wasn’t for my magnificent hair and strong buttocks I probably would have given life up by now!” Little Bozling cried through his tears.

“Oh… well, there’s lots of reasons to live… like… Salt and Vinegar nuts!” Joel smiled at him.

Little Bozling looked puzzled, “What are Salt and Vinegar nuts?” he asked.

“You what? You don’t? Oh god! What kind of place am I in?” Joel shouted.

“This is Brian Blessed’s beard, also known as Blessed-topia. The land of Christmas,” Little Bozling replied.

“CHRISTMAS! NO!” screamed Joel. He stood up, throwing his arms up in the air. He was in such a rage that he forget his own size. The small hut shattered as Joel flung his arms around wildly. Splinters of wood came crashing down onto Little Bozling.

“NO! What have you done?” screamed Little Bozling, beginning again to sob.

“I’m sorry… I just hate Christmas! It’s such a waste of time! What’s the point?” Joel yelled at him back. Joel at this point suddenly realised what he had done. The carnage around him looked dreadful. “Oh my! Your house! I’m so sorry! What can I do?”

“I don’t know what we can do! I’ve no wood left! I can’t rebuild it! Oh what’s the point!” cried Little Bozling. At this point he was pretty much hysterical. He then looked up at Joel. “I’ve got it!”

“You’ve got what? Crabs?” Joel laughed at his own joke.

“There are no crabs round here, no sea for miles! No, what I meant was I know what we can do!” Little Bozling replied.

“What? What do we do?” Joel asked.

“We need to head North! There’s a cave up there! We can shelter in there for now!” The two of them were talking so fiercely about what to do that they had not seen the huge cloud growing above their head. They both suddenly realised when the first gust of freezing cold snow hit their bodies. At this point I’d like to remind readers that Joel was in fact still half naked.
“Oh no! A storm is coming! We need to go now!” shouted Little Bozling.

He began to run forward into the distance. “Hey wait!” Joel cried, running after him. They ran for what seemed like ages. The storm was really kicking up now. Snow beat against their faces. Little Bozling was lucky enough to be small and agile and get through it easily. Unfortunately Joel wasn’t so lucky, and was even considering setting his pubic hair on fire again.

“There it is!” shouted Little Bozling.

True enough, ahead of them was a cave. It looked less than a mile anyway. Joel’s heart beat against his chest though. He’d never felt so exhausted. And the cold just made it worse. A huge clump of snow fell off a tree that he was passing and hit on the top of the head. The force of it knocked him to the ground. More snow then dropped off the branches on top of Joel, he was covered, and his body was so cold that he couldn’t move. “Help!” he cried at Little Bozling.

The small elf looked back to Joel lying in the snow, and then forward again towards the cave. He had no choice. He ran over to Joel. “Wait just a second!” he shouted at Joel, struggling to get his small voice over the sound of the wind. Little Bozling grabbed Joel’s hand and tugged. It was no good, Joel was quite deeply buried. What could he do? “I have an idea!” the small elf cried. He dropped his trousers too.

“What the hell are you doing?” screamed Joel.

“Saving your butt!” Little Bozling shouted back. The small elf began to urinate. Joel screamed in horror. The elf’s urine covered Joel’s back slowly melting away the snow.

“Stop that!” yelled Joel.

Little Bozling didn’t hear what Joel said too well so he leaned in saying, “Pardon?” As his concentrate broke though the urine flow accidentally went all over Joel’s head, some even going in his mouth. Joel shouted out in anger. He burst out the snow.

“YOU!” he cried running at the elf. Little Bozling began to run towards the cave again. Joel followed. Before Joel knew it they were inside. The cave was slightly warmer, but not by much. Joel collapsed onto the floor, exhausted and freezing. “I’m so cold” he whimpered.

Little Bozling sat down next to him. “I don’t know what we can burn to stay warm…” he replied gently. They both then looked down to Joel’s pubic hair again. What if…

That’s when they heard it. A horrible gargle. A scream unlike Joel had ever heard. It was coming from the cave. And it was coming straight at them.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 3 : MICHAEDEER

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BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 1 - Joel

CHAPTER 1 - JOEL

My name is Daniel Webb. That’s all you need to know about me. Last year, I witnessed one of the most amazing things that I will probably ever see. To be honest, I doubt that you will ever witness anything like it either, that’s why I spent an entire year writing the events of that horrid day in Farnham.

I was unsure where to start as everyone remembers that fateful day slightly differently. Many will tell it in a much stranger way than others, so myself and my dedicated research team set out to make the truest form of “The Fairytale of Farnham”.

I suppose the story will start with the introduction of this events main protagonist, my single and only room-mate. Joel Maguet.

As far as we could tell Joel had a fairly good life up to this point. He started in a boarding school, in an unnamed location upon Planet Earth, I cannot give out this information due to what I am about to tell you. It’s important to know that at first Joel struggled in this new location. The girls would constantly try to trip him up, and the boys seemed to have a strange fascination with his ear lobes. Yes, his actual ear lobes. Some days he would just be walking down the corridor when he was pounced upon and had his ear lobes nibbled for a good few hours. Whatever it was about Joel’s ears I will never know. All that I do know is that Joel was put in many nasty situations over the years, and sometimes had to take what they gave him.

It wasn’t just the students though, I read about one horrific day when one of his teachers, an extremely large, slightly attractive yet unpleasant man aptly named “Monsieur Bunny” noticed Joel’s ears as well. Due to the horrendous size of his mouth, Monsieur Bunny couldn’t simply nibble gently on Joel’s ear; instead Monsieur Bunny managed to bite half of Joel’s face off. This occurred all the way back in Year 6, he pretty much spent the other 7 years getting face reconstruction surgery to make him look as he does today. How extremely unpleasant.

So, during these 7 years, Joel had to spend most of his time in a bed due to the extreme pain and discomfort the ear biting accident had caused him. He discovered over that period of time a wonderful love for film. All kind of movies began to entertain Joel, from Star Wars to Lord of the Rings to Free Willy, and I’m not talking about the version with the kid and the whale! One day, that proved more painful than others, he made it his vow in life to become a filmmaker after his injuries had healed, so sure enough, after the 7 years, he set off the University of Creative Arts in Farnham to study Film Production to finally live his dream.

This was where I met Joel for the first time. I remember it well. It was on a cool Autumn day. Joel had just been to the toilet… let me talk a little more about this. Joel’s facial reconstruction had one main problem, sometimes he could accidentally swallow some bone that they put in his face. Unfortunately this backfired one day when a bone the size of a Big Mac became lodged in his rectum. From that day on, he has had to poo a total of 54 times a day. A lot compared to you and me! I’m not entirely sure how the science of that works out, but it is definitely true. Anyhow… back to our story…

Joel was in the University toilet having one of his many poo’s. He likes to completely remove his trousers and his pants and place them neatly on the floor while doing this. He claims this gives him more freedom. Little did Joel know that the window behind him was open! A strong gust of wind blew threw it! The pants were lifted up into the air and flew straight out of the window! In a panic Joel ran out of the cubicle, in his haste, he had forgotten to put his trousers back on. He ran after his slightly soiled pants, blowing about in the wind. It was at this point that I come into the story. I was sitting down in the Student Union ready to eat my healthy salad for the day. I was talking to myself, as per usual. I didn’t look at my food while having this very important conversation with my mind, so I hadn’t realised that Joel’s pants had in fact landed on my plate. I cut, put on my fork, placed in my mouth… and chewed. The taste was utterly fantastic! Never had I tasted such a wide range of different flavours! I was however a bit confused as to why my salad tasted so much of cheese.

At this point, Joel burst into the Student Union, still with no trousers or pants on. He ran up to my table screaming NO in a very strange slow motion manner. He landed upon my plate, his butt poking towards my face. When he explained the situation to me at first I was a little disgusted, but then I remembered that fantastic flavour and couldn’t stay angry at him. From that day on, Joel and I remained great friends.

I consider myself to be a fairly upbeat and happy person, I am quite often hyper, though always stay extremely sophisticated. The same cannot be said for Joel however. It would appear that during his time in boarding school, he did lose most of his soul. He doesn’t like things that make other people happy. Joel does not enjoy a good chocolate bar. Joel does not believe in marriage, and hates weddings. Joel would rather use an innocent bunny rabbit as a pair of slippers rather than a pet. However, the most shocking to me was that Joel does not like Christmas.

This is where our main story starts.

It was a cold day in December. Whilst I was busy one day writing my memoirs inside my University Dorm room, a Christmas song came on my iTunes. I sang along to it in a fairly gay manner, looking forward to the upcoming weeks. At this point Joel burst into my room; once again he was wearing no trousers or pants… I wasn’t sure why this time though!

“What do you think you’re doing?” he cried.

“Listening to Christmas music, and writing my memoirs,” I replied quietly, slightly confused at the situation.

At this point Joel picked up my laptop and ate it. Literally, he ate my whole laptop. Chewed on the keys. Sucked the wires in like spaghetti. I was unable to do anything because I was still partly in shock. Once the whole computer had been consumed I finally screamed, “What the hell did you do that for!?”

He looked at me menacingly. “I hate Christmas Dan! Hate it! I’d rather eat poo than see another Christmas!!”

He then stormed out the room. I sat there, not knowing what to do. I then remembered an advert that I had seen in one of the many broadsheet newspapers that I read every day. I grinned to myself slightly and picked up my phone. I typed in the number, that magically I could remember perfectly and rung. When the person on the other end answered, I said into the headset, “Yes, I would like to order the large package please…”

The next day started like any other for Joel. He woke up around 1pm, as many University students do, and went for his usual poo in the shower. As he was sponging himself off, he heard the doorbell ring. Who could it be at this time of day, he thought to himself. He put on a t-shirt and walked out the bathroom. He opened the door.

“MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU WEARING NO TROUSERS!?” the bearded man at the door screamed.

Joel nearly fell back in shock. He had indeed forgotten once again to put on his trousers, but that wasn’t what surprised him. It was Brian Blessed, at his door!

“I AM HERE TO SEE A JOEL MAGUET! MY NAME IS BRIIIIAN BLESSED!” Brian screamed.

“Hello, it’s, umm, nice to meet you!” Joel said as he tried to focus on the situation. “I’m Joel, but what is it I can help you with?” he asked.

“YOUR FRIEND DANIEL GAVE MY COMPANY A CALL! BRIAN BLESSED BONZANA! I HELP PEOPLE THAT ARE IN DIRE NEED!” Brian shouted back.

“I’m sorry… you must be wrong, I don’t need any help. Plus… would you please stop shouting…”

Before Joel could finish his sentence, Brian screamed out again, “IT CAME TO YOUR FRIEND’S ATTENTION THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE THE WONDERFUL TIME OF CHRISTMAS! THIS SIMPLY WON’T DO! PLEASE COME CLOSER!”

Joel hesitated. “Why do you want me to come closer?” he asked carefully.

“PLEASE DO AS I SAY!” shouted Brian back at him.

Joel slowly paced forward, still wearing no trousers or pants. Brian Blessed grabbed him by the neck. Joel screamed out in terror, but no one was there to help him.

“I’M VERY SORRY CHUM! BUT YOU’VE BEEN OFFICIALLY CHOSEN FOR BRIAN BLESSED-IFICATION!” Suddenly, to Joel’s horror, Brian Blessed reached up with his other hand and grabbed the middle of his beard. With two fingers he parted the centre of his beard. Joel witnessed something amazing as this happened, as an entire world could be seen through the beard.

“What is that?” whimpered Joel.

“THAT IS WHERE YOU’RE GOING MY BOY!” Brian screamed back, spitting over Joel’s face.

Joel screamed in terror as Brian Blessed began to lift Joel up and slide him through his own beard. And as soon as it had started, Joel was gone.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 2 : LITTLE BOZLING

Happy Advent! Here's the big reveal!

Hey everyone! Pinch and a punch for the first day of month! NO RETURNS! BWAH HA HA!

Anywho, I'm about to start eating my two identical advent calendars... gonna be good!

But for now, as promised, I can now reveal for the first time... BLESSED-TOPIA.

Blessed-Topia is a 25 part story chronicling Joel, Little Bozling and Michaedeer's adventures through the wonderful land of Blessed-Topia. So far I have written three chapters of it, but all the rest are planned out and ready to be filled in!

I can tell you now that you can expect... Dragons... A war... Santa Claus... Violence... Crazy Characters... Andy Small... AND MORE! I don't wanna reveal too much though!

Here is the first part as promised, watch this blog everyday for the other 24 parts, for advent one will be revealed each day!

Enjoy!