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BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 25 - A New Start

CHAPTER 25 - A NEW START

Joel placed his dead friend on the ground. He stood up and started to cry. Michaedeer just looked at the dead Little Bozling, not believing what had happened.

“He saved my life…” she softly said. “I wish we could have done something…”

She looked around the battlefield. Bodies lay everywhere. Bodies of elves. Bodies of celebrities. Bodies of other creatures, but there was a positive aura in the air.

“We won…” Martin suddenly said, getting to his feet, “WE WON!” The remaining good elf troops and other creatures started to cheer. “THIS LAND IS OURS AGAIN!”

Michaedeer or Joel didn’t cheer though. “You’ve done what you wanted Joel…” she said, “You can go back home…”

Joel stood there, looking away from her. He slowly then turned. “What is home? Where friends are? Where I belong?”

“What are you saying?” Martin asked, a little confused.

“I get one wish for defeating Santa Blessed,” Joel said, “I wish… that Little Bozling were alive again!”

There was a huge white flash. Light filled the air. For a moment Joel was scared, but then the brightness was gone again. He turned towards Little Bozling. His eyes started to flicker.

“Little Bozling?” Joel said excitedly, kneeling next to him. He pulled back the elf’s shirt. The wound was gone. It looked like none of it had ever happened.

“What’s going on?” a familiar voice then said. Little Bozling sat up. Michaedeer started to cry.

“What the hell’s wrong with her?” Little Bozling asked Joel. “Did she lose her wine or something?”

Joel started to laugh. “You’re alive!” he said.

“Of course I’m alive!” the small elf said. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He stood up and patted Michaedeer on the shoulder. “It’s okay dear, we’ll get you some wine…” he said empathetically.

She turned round, tears of joy streaming from her face. “I’ve gone off wine for a bit…” she replied, laughing, “I had to drink my way out of that cave and I think I’ve had enough for a lifetime!”

Little Bozling turned to Joel and unslyly whispered, “Well… we’ll see about that!”

They all laughed. Michaedeer then turned to Joel. “You used your wish Joel! You only get one!”

Joel smiled, “I know…” he said.

“How are you going to get home?” Little Bozling asked, panic in his voice.

“I’m not going anywhere!” Joel said, “I have no friends back home. I thought Dan liked me, but he just sent me here. My family don’t care about me. Unlike… all of you. That is why I have decided to stay in Blessed-Topia!”

Little Bozling jumped up in joy, “YOU WILL! OH MY GOD! THIS IS FANTASTIC!” The small elf hugged him, he then looked up. “Why are you wearing trousers?”

Joel laughed, “Do you not like them?”

“They’re a bit gay…” Little Bozling said.

Joel laughed and took them off, “Better?” He was now half naked again.

“Much!” Little Bozling grinned. Michaedeer rolled her eyes. All three of them were now stood up.

“What’s that?” Martin suddenly shouted out, diving to the floor.

He swept back some of the snow off the floor. Green grass was poking out. It was starting to show up anywhere. A group of elves walked up to the four of them.

“I’ve not seen grass in this land for hundreds of years…” a random elf mumbled. “The land is ours again!”

“Not quite…” another one said, Joel recognised him, he was Joelfrakeus’s second elf in charge, one of the leaders of the Land of Elves. “Joelfrakeus was killed… the land has no leader…” the high elf said.

They all looked towards Little Bozling.

“Me?” Little Bozling said, shocked. “I can’t be Elf Prime Minister!”

“Why not?” one of them asked. “He trusted you. You have shown extraordinary bravery. You are willing to put your life on the line for others. The journey may be long, but you can do it…”

Little Bozling looked at Joel. Joel smiled back at him and nodded his head.

“Erm… okay…” Little Bozling said quietly.

“Fantastic!” they all shouted out, “We will make the arrangements over the coming weeks!”

They then walked up to Michaedeer, “Did you do this?” They all looked around at the random creatures walking around that had won the war.

“I did…” she said, “I heard about the war and knew something had to be done… so I went to what I know, the creatures of the Wastelands!”

“This is not the Wastelands anymore!” Martin said suddenly, “It will be the Grasslands again! Just how it once was!”

“How would you like to rule over the Grasslands?” the elf asked.

Michaedeer nearly fainted. Her? Ruler of the Grasslands? Surely that couldn’t be right, not a week ago she was a drunkard in a cave.

“What do you say then?” the elf said again.

Michaedeer smiled. “I’m going to have to refuse…” she said, to everyone’s surprise. “The Grasslands is meant to be a free realm in this world. It needs to leader… but I promise you, I will always be here to watch over it!”

The elf nodded at her, smiling. He then finally turned to Joel. Joel couldn’t help it. He had a huge grin across his face.

“And as for you…” the elf said, looking at him, “I can’t think of a greater honour than this…”

What was it? Oh! He wanted something good!

“We elves have long forgotten the name of this land, but with Santa Blessed destroyed it is no longer Blessed-Topia. I would like to rename the land Joel-Topia. What do you say to that?”

Joel couldn’t reply though, for he had fainted. What an honour. Little Bozling slapped him and he came to.

The high elf continued, “You are to lead Joel-Topia. The coming of you brought a wave of hope to this land, one that we wish to continue. What do you say?”

But Joel had fainted again.

It is at this point in the story where Joel’s tale ends. He ruled the land well till the end of his days, along with Little Bozling and Michaedeer at his side. The land was once again happy and united. Free of the death and destruction that Santa Blessed had brought them.

The lands of Joel-Topia once again had life everywhere. The Grasslands were as beautiful as Joel had imagined them. Celebrity Land had been destroyed. And the Land of Elves finally was a wonderful place for Joel to live. Now that he understood friendship, he saw it in its true form.

As for our characters, Joel and Little Bozling had married soon after the battle. Their love for each other was just too strong to be held back any longer, and they gave in to their temptations.

Michaedeer did manage to stay off the alcohol, whenever she has a craving she simply went back to the Cavern of Wine to remind herself of the bad it had brought her.

Martin started a successful yoga class which Joel and Little Bozling attended every Wednesday. A good, and fun way to stay fit.

And… as for the Anal Dwelling Butt Shrew that had saved Joel’s life, no one quite knew. It gave Joel a warm feeling inside though thinking of whose anus it might be in these new times.

As for me… I just sit in my room wondering where Joel had gone. I thought I would never know until I began my research. I am happy that Joel has found a happy place in life, even though it happened to be in another world. It has been my honour and privilege to tell you what happened that fateful week in Blessed-Topia. But stay safe knowing that if trouble hits you… you may in fact be saved by an Anal Dwelling Butt Shrew.

THE END

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING!

I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED READING IT AS MUCH AS I HAVE ENJOYED WRITING IT!

THE FULL PDF FINAL BOOK WILL BE UPLOADED LATER TODAY, READY FOR DOWNLOAD!

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 24 - The Fate of Blessed-topia

CHAPTER 24 - THE FATE OF BLESSED-TOPIA

“It’s the Danjamus!” Little Bozling screamed. Every single troop fighting in the battle stopped when the saw it. The mighty creature was too stupid to know who to fight, it would go after everyone.

The huge, fat monster was passing over the hill coming straight towards them. Joel didn’t even look at it though; he kept his eyes fixed on Santa Blessed. She stared straight back at him.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Joel exclaimed.

She just cackled back, “What can I say? Death is my thing…”

There was suddenly a huge scream from the outskirts of the war. The Danjamus monster had reached them. Little Bozling watched in horror as the beast swept his arm down. He picked up groups of good elves, celebrities and dark elves and put them all in his mouth. He chewed.

“SAUSSSSSSAGE!” he bellowed out.

What could they do? There was no way they could win. Even with the Danjamus eating celebrities and dark elves too, there were too few good elves left to win the battle.

“Soon all your friends will be dead…” Santa Blessed whispered to Joel, starting to walk towards him.

Martin still stood behind Joel, watching her as well… his hand was on his sword, ready to strike. “Let me kill her Joel…” he pleaded.

Joel just shook his head though, “Go Martin… you are needed elsewhere…”

Martin looked up at the Danjamus coming towards them.

“You tried to put the giant in our cell to sleep…” Joel continued, his focused eyes watching Santa Blessed still.

Martin suddenly remembered. “I know what you mean…” and with that, Joel’s former Kuk Sool Won instructor had left again.

“All alone now?” Santa Blessed teased.

Joel drew his sword and pointed it towards her. Without speaking, he initiated the fight. He swung at her, and she didn’t dodge in time. He caught some of the beard off her face. She wasn’t as fresh today.

“How dare you!” she screamed, suddenly not laughing and very angry. She drew her sword out as well and engaged him.

The two of them battled, their swords clashing together like a hammer hitting metal. Joel was letting his anger over the death of Joelfrakeus guide him, and he wasn’t going to stop… he wasn’t doing too bad.

Meanwhile, Martin was running through the still ongoing battle of elves. He sliced many heads off the dark elves as he passed, but his main goal was ahead. Not before too long he had reached the mighty Danjamus. It towered over him like a skyscraper.

Martin put his sword away and faced it. It looked at him, looking its lips. “You think you’re so tough?” Martin said. He was preparing to chop the creature’s face as it came closer, hoping to knock it out. It didn’t go to plan though.

In the distance, Little Bozling watched in horror as the huge beast bent down and picked Martin up.

“HEY! LET ME GO!” Martin screamed. But it was no good, before he had a chance to realise what was happening, Danjamus had put Martin in his mouth and swallowed.

“NO!” Little Bozling screamed, falling to his knees. This was just a massacre.

Joel and Santa Blessed still fought, he was starting to feel tired now. Their swords still hit in mid air, he was able to dodge and reflect every blow she gave to him, but he was running out of breath. He wasn’t being beaten as badly as he had been the week before, but he didn’t know how long he could keep going like this for. She didn’t seem to be tiring at all.

The two swords hit, quite close to Joel’s body. With a forceful push, Santa Blessed brought both blades to his throat and help them there.

“Get out of my land…” she said, not laughing anymore.

Joel kicked her in the stomach though and she fell back. He walked forward ready to strike, but it was no good. She had rolled backwards and sprung up again, ready for more.

Little Bozling looked around the battlefield. Good elves fought hard against the dark elves, and were starting to win, but celebrities kept ambushing them in packs and taking them down. The mighty Danjamus still towered over everyone, picking up groups at a time and eating them. The battle would be over soon… for everyone…

Suddenly he heard a horn over the hill that the celebrities had come from. Oh no… what could it be now? Surely she didn’t have any more reinforcements coming? She beat them, yet she wouldn’t stop. Little Bozling saw shapes beginning to appear over the horizon. Who was it? He then realised the creature at the front of them.

“MICHAEDEER!” Little Bozling cried in joy.

It was indeed their friend that they had assumed dead. She looked good, though her fur had been died a purpley red colour, probably from the wine. Behind her was a huge army of half reindeer, half humans. They had come to help.

“CHARGE!” he heard Michaedeer scream. The reindeer all began to charge towards the battle. It was at this point that Little Bozling realised the reindeer army was not alone. Creatures from all over Blessed-Topia were charging too. Creatures that had all been banished to the Wastelands by Santa Blessed.

He saw posh mongoose troops, panda chavs, black baboon people, rat mice, walking sharks. There were half eagle, half Velociraptor birds in the air. There were hundreds of species of creatures. The army was massive. And, to Little Bozling’s huge surprise, he began to see elves in the army too. Banished elves, just like him. And all of them were charging to the battle as well.

Santa Blessed or Joel had not seen this, because their fight was becoming increasingly intense.

Little Bozling ran towards the direction of the charge, trying to see Michaedeer again.

They still charged down the hill, by this point the dark elves and celebrities had heard the screaming and turned. They were trapped. Thousands of creatures and elves suddenly hit them. The force was astronomical. The first wave of reindeer just ran most of the dark elves down, leaving the creatures and elves behind them to finish everyone off.

The Eagle Velociraptor’s swooped down and picked up celebrities, they then chewed their heads off and dropped the dead bodies to the ground below. The posh mongoose battalion went around hitting people with their canes while the panda chavs started to stab the various celebrities with small knifes hidden in their fur.

Joel and Santa Blessed were still both fighting hard. Both smashed at each other, their fight getting much dirtier now. They were trying to chop off limbs rather than just killing. She swiped and hit his chest. His coat dropped off him. That was close. He retaliated with a hard blow to her, but she just deflected it and punched him in the face, knocking him backwards.

Little Bozling burst through the crowd, ahead of him was Michaedeer, who was currently stomping on Harrison Fords face.

“THAT’S FOR INDIANA JONES 4!” she screamed out.

She then saw Little Bozling; the small elf stared back at her. A perfect moment occurred between them as they saw each other again.

“LITTLE BOZLING!” she cried out, running towards him.

“MICHAEDEER!” he shouted back, running at her too.

His huge grin suddenly turned to horror though. “LOOK OUT!” he screamed. He jumped past her and catapulted himself at the celebrity about to kill her. It was Dick Van Dyke. Little Bozling tried to take him out, but it was too late.

Michaedeer watched in terror as a blade penetrated straight through the small elf’s chest. He coughed. Blood spat out everywhere. He dropped to his knees.

“Gooood…” Dick Van Dyke, brandishing the blade that had got the elf.

Michaedeer jumped over Little Bozling and smashed Dick Van Dyke in the face with her antlers. She then ripped his stomach out with her sharp horns and threw his intestines everywhere. She was quite sure that he was dead.

She then turned and ran back over to Little Bozling. He was on the floor, bleeding heavily from the wound in his chest. What could she do?

“You saved me… Stay with me Little Bozling…” she said quietly, but his eyes were starting to close. This couldn’t be the end. He was still coughing heavily.

Joel had, of course, no idea about what just occurred. He was beginning to lose the fight again Santa Blessed. He was too tired, and she was just relentless. What could he do against a foe like that?

Around them, the main battle was beginning to fade. The charging creatures and elves had taken out most of the celebrities and dark elves. There were a few left, but no trouble really. The main problem was the huge Danjamus still roaming the ground.

Michaedeer rested Little Bozling’s face on her fur. His eyes started to flicker.

“You can’t go!” she shouted, trying to keep him awake.

The small elf couldn’t say anything though. She did however watch as his eyes widened, there was something behind them. It was Danjamus.

“FOOOOOD!” he bellowed, reaching down.

Michaedeer didn’t move though, she had to stay with Little Bozling. This was the end for them. The unexpected then occurred. The Danjamus stood back up again. It looked around confused. It scratched at himself. It started to rub its tummy. What was happening?

BOOM! The Danjamus literally exploded. Parts of him went everywhere, splattering the battlefield. Martin dropped out and fell to the floor. He was covered in goo and blood. He landed next to Michaedeer.

“What the hell just happened?” she screamed.

“He swallowed me whole…” Martin said, “I just tried my sleep move inside him… and like last time, it went wrong. My guess is the pressure points burst, making the whole beast explode.” He grinned to himself, clearly pleased. Suddenly he noticed Little Bozling, he got his knees. “What happened?”

“He saved me from Dick Van Dyke…” Michaedeer said slowly, “But he was hit… can you save him?”

Martin shook his head. He then looked up; most of the battle had gone now. Ahead he could see Joel and Santa Blessed fighting. He wasn’t doing well.

Santa Blessed was repeatedly punching Joel in the face. He spun around 180 due to the force. She then kicked the back of his leg, knocking him to the floor. He knelt down away from her. His butt poking in the air.

“It’s time…” she said. Joel waited for the blow. He had lost. He had failed. Then the strangest thing occurred. Something in Joel’s trousers started to move.

“What the hell is that?” Santa Blessed said, looking closer.

Joel’s trousers then ripped. The Anal Dwelling Butt Shrew jumped out of Joel’s bum. The small creature pounced straight onto the evil leader’s face. It scratched and bit her.

“OH MY GOD! GET IT OFF!” Santa Blessed screamed.

In almost a trance like state, Joel picked his sword up… he spun quickly and dove forward. His sword plunged straight into Santa Blessed’s chest. She screamed out in pain.

“NOOOOO!” she cried. The Anal Dwelling Butt Shrew jumped onto the ground and ran off, looking for another anus to dwell in. Joel never saw it again. He walked over to the dying foe.

“Look around…” Joel said to her quietly, “Do you see your troops?”

For the first time, Santa Blessed glanced away. Her dark elf army was lying dead all around. Celebrities were being piled up and burned by the banished elf army. She had lost.

“But…” she whimpered.

Joel grinned and pulled his sword out of her chest. She gasped for air, clearly in an immense amount of pain.

“...Goodbye…” he said gently, and then thrust the sword into her hairy mouth. The mouth that had given him that haunting kiss. Santa Blessed dropped to the floor. Dead. Joel slumped next to her, panting and exhausted. He had done it. He then heard something in the distance.

“JOEL! JOEL!” Michaedeer called out. He looked back and saw her. Wasn’t she dead? Who was that next to her and Martin?

Joel slowly stood up and walked over. It was then that he saw Little Bozling next to her. He didn’t have much time left. He picked the small elf up from the ground and held him in his arms.

“Little Bozling?” Joel said gently.

His small friend looked up at him, “Did we win Joel?”

Joel was trying not to cry, “…We did… She is gone, along with her dark army…”

Little Bozling tried to smile, “That’s good… a good last memory…”

“This won’t be your last memory!” Michaedeer cried out at him. Little Bozling placed his hand on her antlers.

“I’ll miss you too…” he gently said.

Joel didn’t know what to say. There was nothing any of them could do. The wound was fatal. Little Bozling continued to cough. His eyes were getting dark.

“Thank you for being my friends…” the small elf said.

Slowly, his eyes fully closed, and he was gone.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER - A NEW START

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 23 - The Battle of the Wastelands

CHAPTER 23 - THE BATTLE OF THE WASTELANDS

One week passed. It was both the slowest, and the fastest week of Joel’s life. He dreaded it with every fibre of his body; he never wanted it to come. He didn’t feel he had enough training. The troops maybe weren’t ready, but he had no choice… and the most disappointing thing… still no sign of Little Bozling.

So, at dawn one week from when Joel had fought Santa Blessed, Joel along with the army of good elves marched through into the Outer Fields of the Wastelands. They weren’t going to back out. They needed to fight. They arrived in the barren wastelands as promised, just as the sun was beginning to rise.

It was empty though. No other army was there waiting for them. Where was Santa Blessed and her band of dark elves?

Joelfrakeus who was now in full armour, walked over to Joel… both of whom were standing at the front of the army. Joel had finally been given some clothes. They couldn’t get any armour though, so they just found some basic human clothes to dress him. The entire elf army behind them wore silver armour, but still kept their green elf hats on. Quite a strange sight.

“Where are they?” the elf Prime Minister.

Joel looked around, seeing if he could see anything on the horizon. Nothing though. “I don’t know, sir…” he replied.

They waited. It was only about an hour, but it felt much longer. They were starting to think the entire thing was false. Then, they heard galloping. Ahead of them, they saw Santa Blessed riding towards them on a horse.

“She’s here…” Joel said to himself. Half pleased, and half saddened.

She stopped next to Joel and Joelfrakeus. “Lovely day…” she said, calmly… looking around the dead landscape. She then looked at the army of good elves, not more than 500. “Nice troops…” she continued sarcastically.

“We have come to rid this land of you!” Joelfrakeus suddenly said, “We have come to claim back what was once rightfully ours!”

She simply laughed again. Joel hated the way she simply giggled at anything they said, whether it be good or bad.

“I bet you do…” she replied, “Shame you’re going to fail!”

Joel looked at her. She was wearing no armour, still the same sexy Santa costume, and still with that hideous Brian Blessed head.

“We will not fail! You are going to die!” Joel shouted at her.

She started to laugh again. Her cackle got louder and louder until it echoed around the wastelands surrounding them. Suddenly, the laugh stopped and she looked at them. Deadly serious for the first time. The eyes of Brian Blessed stared directly into Joel’s.

“Kill them…” she said, very calmly.

All of a sudden, all hell broke loose. The dark elves had been hiding; they all quickly ran out from behind the good elf army. Joelfrakeus turned quickly when he heard the commotion.

“AMBUSH! IT’S AN AMBUSH!” he screamed out, “TROOPS! TURN AROUND! KILL THEM!”

Joel turned to the battle as well, but could still hear Santa Blessed’s laugh in his ear. When he turned round to face her, she was gone again.

“Let’s go!” Joelfrakeus shouted to Joel.

The two of them started to run through the battle. It was chaos. Their army of good elves was being smashed around by the dark elf army. They wore spiked, black armour. It was like something Joel had seen out of a film, but he was there. This was real.

“DIE!” he heard from his side. He ducked. An evil elf wielding a large battle axe jumped from the left. It missed him. Drawing his sword for the first time, Joel swung. It sliced the elf’s head off. Purple blood spewed out. It wasn’t like normal blood though, it didn’t just drip out… this sprayed directly out at Joel’s face. It was like a pressure hose of thick, purple goo. Some got into his mouth, it was disgusting. It tasted like… well… poo!

“Don’t let them get too close to you!” he heard a random elf shout out.

Joel wiped the blood from his face, “Thanks for the tip…” he said sarcastically. But he didn’t have time for jokes, another evil elf swung at him. With a quick slash Joel took him out too. More blood sprayed over Joel. This was going to be a messy battle.

Meanwhile, across the battlefield, Joelfrakeus was having more problems. Joel was a few feet higher than all the elves so he didn’t struggle too much… but he was right there in the thick of the battle. His sword clashed with a dark elf that lunged at him. He leaned forward and smashed the nasty creature in the face with his metal glove knocking him to the floor… he then spun his sword around and plunged it into its heart. It squealed and died. But before he could celebrate this two more came towards him. It was chaos.

The good elves were severely outnumbered. There were 500 of them at the start, but that number was rapidly dropping. Joel was no mathematician, but he guessed there were over a thousand dark elves fighting, and they were coming from all directions. They’d obviously been practiced at war before.

Joel was now swinging his sword around like crazy. This wasn’t too hard. No dark elves could get near him, he was too big. Was this all Santa Blessed had?

Joelfrakeus had to disagree though. He was exhausted. He considered himself to be skilled with a blade, but these dark elves were just monsters. No style. No rules of engagement. They were all just mindless killing machines.

A dark elf, that he thought to be dead suddenly grabbed his leg. He thrust his sword down to chop its head off. He did so, but was pulled to the floor in the process.

Suddenly, across the battlefield to Joel’s surprise. A dark elf jumped onto his back. He couldn’t shake it. The nasty slimy creature held on with tight arms around Joel’s throat. It started to choke him. Running out of breath, Joel dropped his sword. He swung his body from side to side trying to get it off. It was proving unsuccessful though.

At that point, he then heard a slash, and the feeling of blood splashing across his back. The dead carcass dropped off him. Joel turned around. Little Bozling. It was Little Bozling. Standing there in full elf armour.

“You really do need me to watch your back, don’t you?” Little Bozling laughed.

“LITTLE BOZLING!” Joel cried, “IT’S REALLY YOU!” He picked the small elf up and hugged him.

The small elf grinned, but this was not the ideal place for a reunion. A dark elf jumped from the side, knocking them both over. Joel rolled over and squashed it.

“How did you find me?” Joel asked.

“You’re the only six foot person in this battle,” the small elf joked, “it’s not that hard to locate you! But anyway… We need to find the Prime Minister!”

“Let’s go…” Joel agreed. He picked up his small friend and started to run through the battlefield. It wasn’t easy. The place was chaotic. Arrows and swords constantly brushed past Joel’s face. Purple blood stained the ground. It was at this point when Joel finally realised how the battle was going.

They were losing badly. He could see far more good elves than dark elves on the floor, dead.

“It’s horrible!” he heard Little Bozling say. He didn’t reply though. He couldn’t. He didn’t know what to say.

“There he is!” Joel then shouted, pointing forwards. He let Little Bozling go, who then ran through the hectic battle. The smallest elf drew his small sword and slashed through the three dark elves that were on top of Joelfrakeus. He then helped the Prime Minister get up.

“LITTLE BOZLING! Thank you! It’s so good to see you!” Joelfrakeus said. He then gave the small elf a hug. Little Bozling didn’t realise everyone had missed him so much.

“How is the battle going sir?” Little Bozling asked.

“Not well I’m afraid… we will not live through this, at this rate anyway…” the Prime Minister asked.

“What can I do to help?” Joel asked, killing a few dark elves in the process.

“We need to find Santa Blessed!” Joelfrakeus replied, “If she is defeated… we have the advantage…”

Joel looked around, he couldn’t see her. She was roughly the same size as him though, and would be easy to spot.

“She’s nowhere…” Little Bozling said, stabbing a dark elf through the face.

“For now, we keep fighting… we will not give up…” Joelfrakeus replied, stepping on a crawling dark elf’s face, exploding their head.

So they did. The three of them fought with all their might. They stayed together as a tripod; in this single unit they could face the enemy from all directions.

It wasn’t going well for the rest of the army though. They were still being slaughtered. The dark elf army was too brutal, and there were too many. There was only so much the good elves could do.

Joel, Little Bozling and the Prime Minister suddenly stopped. They all turned slowly to the East. They had heard a horn.

“What was that?” Joel asked.

Neither replied though, “No… she wouldn’t…” Joelfrakeus said to himself, “It’s not fair…”

Joel suddenly realised who it was. Coming over the hill were… tall people. They weren’t elves. They looked like people.

“Oh my god…” Little Bozling cried, “It’s the celebrities!”

It was. Santa Blessed in a nasty, last minute move had called upon the efforts of Celebrity Land. A nasty and mean bunch of people. Pure scum all of them. Exactly what the evil with craved. She appeared at the front of them, laughing once more.

“THEY DON’T LIKE YOUR WORK!” she screamed to them, “YOU DON’T LIKE THEM! KILL THEM! DESTROY THEM! CHAAAAARGE!”

She’d really stirred them up at that point. They all began to charge. The good elves couldn’t do anything. They couldn’t run… they were still fighting the dark elves… but there was no way that could stand up against that army too.

Joel watched in horror next to Little Bozling and the Prime Minister as the celebrities clashed with the huge battle. Joel heard the familiar laugh of King George Takei, “AHAHAHAHA!” as he plunged into the conflict.

The tall celebrities were so tall that they just ran the good elves down. Joel had to do something. He started to run towards them.

“JOEL! DON’T! IT’S SUICIDE!” Little Bozling cried out, but it was too late. He couldn’t hear them.

Joel reached the new conflict on the Wastelands. If he thought the battle was bad before, now it was even worse. Nasty looking celebrities beat up, stabbed and shot the good elves around them. He watched as The Dark Knight gang violated a male elf.

“STOP THAT!” he cried out, running towards them.

They all turned and looked up at him.

“Get out of it!” Christian Bale shouted at Joel. Michael Caine stood behind him laughing. Gary Oldman was the one doing the violating while Aaron Eckhart held the poor elf down. Christian Bale held a small pocket knife towards Joel. “I WARN YA! I’LL HURT YOU LIKE I DID MY MUM!” the actor screamed. He was wearing no shirt, blatantly just to show off his stunning muscles.

Joel wasn’t scared though, he felt fearless. He had to help. In any way that he could. He ran forward and stuck his sword straight through Christian Bale’s chest, with a smile on his face. He then pulled it out, and cut his head off with his sword. The celebrity’s head rolled to his feet. Seeing this, the Dark Knight gang all ran off, screaming like girls.

Joel helped the small elf up, pulling up his trousers. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“LOOK OUT!” the small elf cried. He jumped in front of Joel. A dark elf that was sneaking up on him stabbed the good elf directly through the chest.

“NO!” Joel screamed, slicing the dark elf’s head off… blood spraying all over him.

This was ridiculous. There was no way he could win. Santa Blessed was evil; there was no agreement that she would have more than one army. She… cheated…

Across the battlefield, Little Bozling and Joelfrakeus were still fighting side by side. They chopped up dark elves all around them. They were getting tougher though, and the wave of celebrities was drawing towards them.

“What do we do?” Little Bozling asked. The elf Prime Minister didn’t have an answer though. It was at this point, when the worse that could possibly happen… did.

Santa Blessed appeared next to them. “Evening… Prime Minister…” she said, with a grin across her face. Little Bozling ran at her, she grabbed him though and threw him. He flew through the air and landed feet away in the middle of the battle. Santa Blessed walked around Joelfrakeus.

“You are going to die… you’re people have failed…” she taunted. He didn’t reply though, he charged at her. His sword pointed forward. She ran to the side, dodging his blade. She then swiped at his back. It was a hit. Blood started to stream down his armour. It didn’t stop him though. He turned and swung at her. She dodged him with ease though, kicking his sword out of his hand to the floor.

Little Bozling clambered up from the bloody ground and started to weave through the fierce battle. “I’M COMING SIR!” he shouted. He burst through and found her. She was holding the elf Prime Minister up by his hair.

“NO!” Little Bozling cried out, helpless against doing anything.

Joelfrakeus wouldn’t go out this easily though, “Is that all you’ve got?” he screamed, spitting in her face.

She simply laughed though. “All of it? Well of course not…” she wiped the bloody spit from her eye, “There’s more to come…”

Joel was still fighting off celebrities. He slashed around killing some of his comedians. He had a very difficult time killing Jim Carrey… who just kept doing exaggerated death scenes rather than literally dying. He managed it eventually though by slicing off every limb from the flexible actor’s body. He then looked across. In the middle of the battle, he could see Santa Blessed holding Joelfrakeus. No! That couldn’t happen!

Joel started to run back through the battle, chopping celebrities and dark elves as he went. Suddenly, he was taken out from the side. It was George Takei. “AHAHAHAHA!” the actor screamed out, looking slightly rabid.

“GET OFF ME!” Joel screamed, but the Chinese actor kept just trying to kiss him, not leaving him be. Joel couldn’t get him off.

“OHHH MYYY!” King George Takei suddenly screamed out. Joel looked; a blade had been put through the actor’s chest. He rolled off Joel, his laugh slowly dying, “AHAHAHA AHA AHA AH A AH A…”

Joel looked up, it was Martin Ducker. The Kuk Sool instructor that had saved him in Castle W02!

“I thought you were dead!” Joel screamed out in pleasure.

“You can’t kill me that easily…” Martin said, helping Joel up.

They both looked at Santa Blessed who was now holding a blade next to the elf Prime Minister’s face.

“Let’s go…” Martin said. The two of them started to run.

Little Bozling had dropped to his knees, “Let him go…” he pleaded to the evil ruler. She was just laughing though.

“I’m not scared of you!” Joelfrakeus shouted.

She licked his face. Brian Blessed’s beard rubbed across his own. “You will be…” she said. Then without hesitation, she dropped him. The elf Prime Minister dropped to his knees. Then with his own sword, she cut his head in half. She didn’t cut his head off… she literally just cut it in half. The top half, from the nose slowly slid off the bottom half to the floor. The dead former elf Leader collapsed to the ground. Dead.

“NOOOO!” Little Bozling screamed out.

Unfortunately, Joel had just reached them in time to see this happen. He couldn’t believe what she had just done. It was despicable. It was sick. She had to die.

“SANTA BLESSED!” he screamed.

She looked up, wiping Joelfrakeus’s blood off her face. “Ah… dear Joel… having fun are we?” she asked.

He drew his sword. “It ends now…” he said.

“No my dear… it’s only just beginning…” she replied.

In the distance, a low rumbling of footsteps started. Everyone looked around. Surely she hadn’t got him as well?

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 24 - THE FATE OF BLESSED-TOPIA

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 22 - Plans of War

CHAPTER 22 - PLANS OF WAR

Santa Blessed slowly walked over to the smoking crash ahead of her. Joel laid across the floor, his shirt mostly burned off, the rags of it smoking. He was now completely naked. He coughed heavily, not quite believing that he had just survived that crash. Parts of quad bike and go kart lay everywhere on fire.

Santa Blessed stood on Joel’s hand when she got to him. He winced in pain, but tried his best not to scream. He wasn’t going to give the ugly character the glory of that.

“Do you give up?” she said, in her deep booming Brian Blessed voice.

Joel thought about the consequences then replied, “I will never give up… you’ll have to kill me…”

Santa Blessed clearly considered this for a long while, but to Joel’s surprise, she just stood him up.

“I have this taste for death and destruction,” Santa Blessed told him, “And if I kill you now… I’ll miss out on all the fun… so, I will be merciful… you may go…”

She threw him forwards. A group of the dark elves caught him. The greasy, coal black hands wear all over him. It was disgusting. They smelled like a lump of puss soiling itself. Joel didn’t say anything at first.

“So… shall I look forward to seeing you soon?” Santa Blessed laughed.

Joel; defeated but still angry tried to lunge at her, but was held back.

“Oh… I like them when they’re feisty…” she replied.

Joel was completely constricted by the elves, he couldn’t do anything. Which was a shame, because Santa Blessed walked up and kissed him on the lips. Not just a small kiss though. A sensual, deep kiss. A kiss designed to torture someone by the thought of never having such a kiss again. The hairy face of Brian Blessed was intoxicating. He felt the bushy beard rubbing against his face, and the salty tongue slobbering on his teeth. She then pulled away. Joel was speechless.

“Take him away…” Santa Blessed said, still grinning.

Joel then had an idea, “Fight me!” he screamed out.

She turned round laughing. “Fight you? I just beat you… you cannot win Joel…”

“I don’t mean fight just me… fight me for Blessed-Topia. The Wastelands. The Land of Elves. All of it. Fight everyone that loves this land and wants it back for what it once was!”

Santa Blessed just looked at him, the smile finally wiped off her face. “You want… a war?”

Joel nodded. The grin then crept across her face again.

“It’s just what you like,” Joel continued, “You said it yourself. Death. Destruction. Where else can you find that if not a war?”

“Do you have an army to fight this said war?” she asked, clearly getting excited.

This was the one slight flaw in Joel’s plan. “Give me one week…” he pleaded. “I will get my army. And you will have your war…”

Santa Blessed started to walk towards him again. He was worried, and in a small… sick… way hoping that she may kiss him again, but she didn’t. She simply said a single sentence, “One week from now… at the Outer Field of the Wastelands… come at dawn… and you will fight, and you will die…”

She snapped her fingers. Before Joel could say anything more, he was dragged away by the greasy dwarves that were man handling him. They threw him back out the large door of the grotto and out into the Land of Elves. Joel looked around. It looked slightly different. It still wasn’t the nicest place in the world, but there were now torches lit and faint music in the air. What did that mean? Why could he see it slightly differently? He had no time to waste though, so he ran towards the great hall.

He burst in through the doors and grabbed the nearest elf. “Where is Joelfrakeus?” he shouted at the small man. Joel had startled the poor elf, who then ran off crying.

“What’s all this commotion out here?” a familiar voice said. Joel looked up. Just who he was looking for. The elf Prime Minister, Joelfrakeus.

“I need your help sir!” Joel gasped, running over to him.

Joelfrakeus didn’t say anything though. He was shocked. Joel was completely naked.

“What happened to you?” the Prime Minister asked.

“I found Santa Blessed. I didn’t win. I was defeated…” Joel replied.

The small elf put his hand on Joel’s shoulder. “I’m sorry to hear that… you could always try again soon…”

The elf Prime Minister started to walk off. Joel had to say something. How could he break this to them? “I did something…” he shouted out.

Joelfrakeus slowly turned on the spot and looked at him. “What did you do?”

“How many elves have you got here?” Joel asked.

Joelfrakeus definitely looked puzzled by now. “I don’t know… 500… give or take… why on Blessed-Topia do you ask this?”

That sentence gave Joel inspiration for how he could tell the Prime Minister. He stood tall and started talking. “You call this land Blessed-Topia, yet it wasn’t always this way… was it?”

Joelfrakeus shook his head, suddenly looking saddened. “We were once a greater kingdom, until the Blessed’s took over everything. They ravished our world and made it their own. We can’t do anything about it…”

“What was the world once called?” Joel asked.

The elf Prime Minister thought long and hard. “I don’t know…” he then said to Joel’s surprise. “It’s been hundreds of years… we elves live forever… I cannot remember its name. I do remember the grass though. Beautiful grass as far as the eye can see.”

“Take back your world!” Joel exclaimed suddenly.

“And how do you propose we do that?” Joelfrakeus replied.

This was it. The moment of truth. Joel took a deep breath, “I may… have accidentally… declared war on Santa Blessed…”

A nearby elf that was enjoying his dinner overheard this. He was so shocked that he accidentally swallowed the entire chicken leg that he was munching around. He choked, and died on the table. Tragic. No one noticed though, everyone in the Hall was staring at Joel.

“YOU DID WHAT?” Joelfrakeus screamed out. This was the first time Joel had actually felt threatened by an elf.

“I’m sorry. It was a spur of the moment thing. She said that if we are to meet on the Outer Field of the Wastelands in a week’s time to decide the fate of this world…”

Joelfrakeus didn’t say anything. He just stared.

“We do not have the elves to take on her army. Her dark elf army is far greater, and are much better fighters than we…”

Joel wasn’t going to give up though, “You can do this. I know you can. Think of those grasslands. Think of a world without Santa Blessed ruling it. You can reclaim this for you… do this with me…”

“What does my new friend, Little Bozling, have to say about this?” the elf Prime Minister asked, “And your half girl-half reindeer companion?”

Joel suddenly looked ashamed. “She is dead. She drowned in your Cavern of Wine…”

“OH MY!” Joelfrakeus shouted out, “I am so sorry! We were need to get plumbing sorted in that place. And what of Little Bozling?”

Joel looked to the floor, “I don’t know. We had an argument. I don’t know where we went…”

“What did you have an argument over?” Joelfrakeus calmly asked.

“He got angry. I said I didn’t like Christmas. I don’t believe in the spirit of it. It seems so false to me…”

Joelfrakeus gasped. “How can you not like this land? How do you see it?”

“It’s dark. Grimy. And no one looks friendly outside…” Joel replied.

“That’s because you are not understanding what makes the Land of Elves what it is. It’s about friendship. Love. Helping each other. If you do not see this, you will not see the true form of the Land…”

Joel paused before replying. “What do you expect me to do?”

The elf Prime Minister wondered for a while. “Do you miss your friend?” he asked.

“I do,” Joel said instantly. “I would give anything to have Little Bozling by my side again right now. I don’t feel as strong without him. Or Michaedeer. I just want them both back…”

For the first time, Joelfrakeus could see the true emotion on Joel’s face. He wasn’t lying. He turned to elf next to him. “Prepare for battle…”

Joel couldn’t believe it, “You mean it? You’ll do it?”

“I’m doing it for you Joel. You’ve started something in Blessed-Topia. Something that should not be wasted. You say we have one week, in that time we can have our army armed and ready. You, in turn, will receive training with a sword…”

The elf next to the Prime Minister leaned in and whispered to his ear, “My lord… we have nowhere near enough elves to win this battle… it is suicide…”

“We just need to hope that with Joel at our side, we will come out victorious. If not, the land will not change… but I would rather take action than stay like this forever. Living in fear. Do as I say! Start the preparations!” Joelfrakeus said to everyone.

Suddenly, Joel realised what he had done. Was he marching all that was good in Blessed-Topia to doom?

He tried not to think about it though, after all, they only had one week.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 23 - THE BATTLE ON THE WASTELANDS

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 21 - Santa Blessed

CHAPTER 21 - SANTA BLESSED

Joel entered through the huge doors of the grotto. He walked into darkness. This was not how he had expected Santa’s grotto to look though. He’d seen so many Christmas movies, all of which he hated, that showed it as such a happy place. For once, Joel wished that could have been right. But of course, it wasn’t.

The whole place was dark. Furnaces were lit around the room. Slimy, black skinned elves walked round everywhere. He thought the enchantment of the Land of Elves only applied to the outside. Did this mean these elves truly looked that horrendous?

The floor underneath him was what felt like gravel. Sharp and painful against his bare feet. Had you forgotten that Joel was still wearing no trousers? Because I assure you, he still was half naked.

Ahead of him was a single spotlight. He started to walk towards it.

“HALT!” a voice came out of nowhere.

Joel recognised that voice. He’d know it anywhere.

“Santa Blessed, I presume?” Joel said into the darkness.

Sure enough, Joel saw the silhouette of Brian Blessed’s beard enter the spotlight. He was in for a bit of a shock though. This wasn’t the same Brian Blessed from his world. It had his head. The face and beard were still there. On top of his head was a Christmas hat. The odd thing was Santa Blessed’s bottom half.

He was half woman. He wore what appeared to be a sexy Santa costume. Santa Blessed has a stunning female body, one of the best Joel had ever seen… but still had Brian Blessed’s face and voice.

Santa Blessed had a great, curvy body. Joel couldn’t stop staring. A fantastic pair of boobs. Her… or his… belly was showing. Not a fat Brian Blessed belly though, a toned and flat one. Santa Blessed also wore a short skirt, fish net tights and knee high leather boots.

To be honest, Joel was having a hard time not becoming slightly aroused with the fantastic figure in front of him. The only thing stopping him was the ugly face of Brian Blessed looking back at him.

“Who are you?” Santa Blessed asked, in the booming Brian Blessed voice… not a sexy female one at all.

“My name is Joel Maguet…” he replied, “I was sent here but Brian Blessed back on my world of Earth…”

“Ah! My dear brother!” Santa Blessed laughed, “He must have had his reasons!”

Joel stepped forward some more, “Only because I didn’t like Christmas. Not a good reason to put me through this!”

“Well…” the half hot Santa Blessed said back to him, “There’s nothing I can do about it! I’m not going to help you!”

Joel smiled, “I was told that if I defeated you… I could have one wish. And I could get home.”

Santa Blessed laughed menacingly. “You? Defeat me? I think not… I am the most powerful person within Blessed-Topia. You think this world was always called that?”

Joel didn’t reply, he’d never thought about that before.

“I rule this land with an iron fist. By doing so, no one messes with me… and I need not mess with them…” it said to him.

“But you should be a good leader!” Joel shouted.

Santa Blessed smiled, “If you think you can defeat me… go ahead…”

Joel could do this. It didn’t look too hard. It may have been Brian Blessed’s head, but if the body was anything to go by… it wouldn’t be a tough fight. It should be over quickly.

So, without thinking, Joel lunged forwards, thrusting his fists towards Santa Blessed.

Bad idea. Santa Blessed was fast. Very fast. She… or he quickly dodged Joel’s fist. Within a flash, Santa Blessed had spun around and kicked Joel in the back of the head, knocking him to the floor. That was unexpected.

It didn’t stop him though, Joel knew this was how to get out of Blessed-Topia and wasn’t going to give up that easily! He rose once more and faced Santa Blessed.

“Nice trick…” said Joel, tauntingly, “But I bet you’ve not seen this one before!”

He ran forwards and went to rugby tackle the girl man. Santa Blessed jumped on top of his back as he charged. She then proceeded to ride him around like a pony.

“STOP IT!” Joel cried, “GET OFF ME!”

Santa Blessed was just laughing though. Joel realised at that point that she must have had some form of ninja training or something like that… if only Little Bozling and Michaedeer were here to help him.

Joel deliberately fell to the floor, allowing Santa Blessed to roll off his back elegantly. They faced each other again.

“For a boy wearing no clothes covering your willy… you have a lot of spirit…” Santa Blessed said to him.

Joel was getting really angry now, “SHUT UP!”

Santa Blessed came towards him. It was stupid to keep facing her head on, he decided to run. They both charged through the warehouse. It wasn’t making toys though. It was making tools of death. Weapons. Bombs. Spiked sex toys. Everywhere Joel looked was something nasty.

From behind him, Joel heard a revving. That can’t be good. He looked back. Oh god… Santa Blessed was in a quad bike heading towards him. She screamed out what sounded like Indian war taunts. The vehicle reached him; he dived into a pile of toxic waste bags to his left. Ahead of him Santa Blessed did a sharp hand brake turn and faced him again. She stayed on the spot, continuously revving, ready to drive again. Then Joel saw it, he had no other choice.

He ran. As fast as his naked legs could carry him. He heard in his ear the quad bike driving forwards, but he had made it. He jumped into the go kart that he had seen and turned the key. His vehicle powered up too. He started with a bump as Santa Blessed rammed him from behind, but then he got some momentum.

His go kart drove forwards, faster than Joel had expected it would be. He was building some serious speed now. The single darts of light around the dark warehouse flashed past him. He then received another bump; Santa Blessed was right on his tail.

The two light vehicles charged through the long room, now side by side. Santa Blessed rammed Joel; Joel then retaliated with a nudge back. They couldn’t hit each other too hard though, the vehicles weren’t that strong. With another ram, a wire from the quad bike accidentally became entangled with the frame of Joel’s go kart. They were now stuck to each other.

Santa Blessed reached over and smacked Joel in the face with her surprisingly hard fist. Joel’s face felt like it was on fire. He had been in quite a few fights within Blessed-Topia, but he thinks that punch probably hurt the most. He spat a tooth out onto his hand. Now he was furious. He tried to swing his fist back at her, but she caught it and chopped his wrist joint making it crack. Joel screamed in pain.

“This is your stop…” Santa Blessed said.

Joel looked ahead; the two entangled vehicles were coming up closely to the end of the room. A large wall stood before him. To his surprise, Santa Blessed stayed cool. She just smiled at him. She stood up on top of the quad and raised her arms. Her hands caught a bar that whooshed past her, she was pulled off the quad bike and landed safely back on the floor.

Joel however, was not so lucky. His wrist hurt badly. What could he do? He had one last chance to look forward, but it wasn’t a long glance, because suddenly he hit the wall.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 22 - PLANS OF WAR

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 20 - Seperated

CHAPTER 20 - SEPERATED

As soon as Michaedeer touched the forbidden wine bottle, she knew it was a bad idea. The entire room started to shake. It felt like an earthquake

“OH GOD!” screamed Little Bozling.

Joel, still grasping onto the stairs was crying like a girl. “WE’RE GOING TO DIE!” he yelled out.

They all at the same time realised where the shaking was coming from. Ahead of them, the wall collapsed. The blue glow of them quickly faded away as a tidal wave of red wine came crashing towards them.

“RUN!” Little Bozling cried as he began to run down the stairs. He ran straight into Joel, who had been too terrified to move. They both started to roll down the stairs. It hurt. And it was bumpy. But it sure was the quickest way to get down. They touched the bottom.

“MICHAEDEER! COME ON!” Joel shouted, trying to get his voice over the huge sound of the wine wave.

She just stared at it though, in complete awe. “My god… It’s…”

But then she was gone. The wave hit her and she was instantly consumed by it.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!” Little Bozling screamed as hard as he could. He slumped to the floor. Joel’s instincts took over again. Now was not the time for emotions. Without thinking, he grabbed the little elf and began to run.

Joel ran as hard as he could out of the blue cave. Behind them the wave had now completely overridden the staircase.

“Oh god! She’s gone!” Little Bozling sobbed.

Joel just ignored this though; he reached the end of that cavern. He began to run through the tunnel. He had forgotten how slippery it was. He started to slide.

“OH GOD!” he cried out, unable to stop himself. At the end of the tunnel, he fell flat on his face. Little Bozling, still on Joel’s shoulder started to scream manically as he saw the wave drawing ever closer.

Joel got to his feet though. He started to run through the warehouse of wine. The wine wave was definitely gaining on them though. Huge crates of wine started to explode behind them. The crash of the wave just destroyed everything in its path.

A box flew straight past Joel’s head. It barely missed him.

“WHOA!” Little Bozling gasped in wonder at the sight behind him. The smashing wine was simply adding to the already gargantuan wave. Splintered wood also got mixed up in it. It looked pretty dangerous.

Joel managed to get out of the warehouse; they were running through another tunnel now. Wine dripped from the walls and ceiling still. It started to soak Little Bozling’s elf suit. It got slippery, and of course, as you may have guessed… Joel accidentally dropped Little Bozling.

The small elf rolled along the ground. Joel stopped and looked back. “COME ON!” he cried.

Little Bozling luckily was quick, and got to his feet fast. The two began to run side by side. Joel could now feel the wine start to spray the back of his head. It was too close for comfort now.

“There’s the door!” Little Bozling said to Joel, pointing up the stairs ahead of them.

Still in a sprint, they both began to run up the stairs, trying to keep a good balance between speed and staying steady, and not slipping. Joel could see the light through the grand door. He just had to reach…

The wave hit them both.

It catapulted them forwards. Joel’s whole body hit the door and it flew open. He and Little Bozling splashed out, back into the Grand Hall. The wave had stopped. They had done it.

Joel rolled onto his back, panting for air, “Another hour in Blessed-Topia…” he joked.

The small elf was stone faced though.

“Little Bozling?” Joel asked softly.

The tiny man began to cry. He had seen Little Bozling cry before. Cry because he was scared. Cry because he was being bullied. But Joel had never seen him upset like this.

“I’m so sorry about Michaedeer…” Joel said softly. “She was wonderful to us…”

“She was more than that Joel!” Little Bozling suddenly snapped back at him, “She was my friend! She was your friend!”

“We don’t know that she…”

“That’s she’s dead?” Little Bozling shouted, “No… of course not, everyone could easily survive being hit by a giant wave of wine!”

Joel was getting annoyed now. “Listen! I’m just trying to help!”

“That’s what you always do! You just want to help! Well maybe I don’t want to help! Maybe I don’t want to help you!” Little Bozling exclaimed.

“But…”

Little Bozling took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Joel. It’s just… you don’t seem to care…”

“I do care,” Joel replied, “More than you know… I just want to get out of this Christmas Hell!”

Little Bozling then got upset again. “You know, to some of us, we are proud to call this Christmas Hell of yours our home. I am. Michaedeer would have been.”

“Don’t start again…” Joel said calmly.

“What’s so bad about this place? Is it me?” the elf asked.

“It’s just so…”

“So what?” Little Bozling shouted.

“Christmassy! I can’t help it! Christmas isn’t a great time of year! I don’t like it and I just want to go home!” Joel yelled back at him.

“So… that’s how it is… you hate all things Christmas do you?” Little Bozling asked.

Joel immediately said, without any hesitation, “I do!”

Little Bozling stood up, wiping the wine from his face. “Well, I guess you have no business with a Christmas Elf then!”

“No! I guess I don’t!” Joel angrily said back.

Little Bozling started to walk off as Joel got up. This had all escalated very quickly.

Little Bozling then stopped. He didn’t look back at Joel, but his words were still powerful. “Maybe Christmas isn’t just about you?” the elf said.

He then walked off.

“FINE! GO! I don’t need you!” Joel shouted, but it was too late, he had gone.

Joel began to walk the other direction. He exited out the Grand Hall and walked back into the Land of Elves. The streets were still grimy and dirty. No change there.

Ahead of him though, was Santa’s Grotto. He started to walk there, by himself, ready to face whatever it threw at him.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 21 - THREE CHALLENGES

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 19 - The Cavern of Wine

CHAPTER 19 - THE CAVERN OF WINE

Michaedeer stopped at a large wooden door ahead of her.

“This is the one…” she said to herself, excitedly.

The other two caught up, “STOP!” yelled Joel. She looked at him, puzzled.

“Don’t do it Michaedeer…” said Little Bozling, panting for breath, “You don’t need the wine… you know you don’t!”

Michaedeer didn’t say anything to either of them. She simply turned back to the door and opened it with her antlers. The door creaked opened. It was very loud, scaring Little Bozling slightly. Then the small came out. The strongest smell of wine Joel had ever experienced. It actually caused him to gag.

“MY GOD!” screamed Michaedeer, “IT’S FANTASTIC!”

Before they could even say anything else, she had entered the Cavern. The others had no choice but to follow her. The cavern was very dark, and dripping.

“This place… it’s so… damp…” mumbled Little Bozling.

Joel held out his hand, something dripped onto it. Joel squinted at the drop to see what it was. It was red… kind of purple as well. It was red wine. Dripping from the ceiling. Michaedeer held out her tongue to catch it.

“THIS IS THE BEST PLACE EVER!” she shouted in joy, starting to run.

“Michaedeer! Stop!” Joel said, running after her with Little Bozling beside him.

They carried on running down the slimy, wine stained stairs. They eventually all reached the bottom. They ran straight into a river. Joel didn’t even had to look to see what the river might be. When he looked at Michaedeer, she was rolling in it, getting her nice brown fur coat all stained.

“Why do the elves have so much wine?” Joel asked.

Little Bozling looked at him; “Wine is festive. We elves love everything festive. You can never have enough in our opinion. We were created to mass produce everything… so our elf elders built this cavern…”

“THANK YOU ELF ELDERS!” Michaedeer cried out, sipping on her own fur by this point.

“…Legends tell…” Little Bozling continued, “Of the rarest wine in all the land being stored here, it is said to be cursed…”

Michaedeer quickly turned and looked at him. She was so excited that she could only mutter words, “WINE! RARE! LAND! HERE! IN! THE!”

Joel and Little Bozling looked at her, slightly repulsed by this new her already.

“We need to go get it!” she broke into a gallop again. As Joel and Little Bozling chased her, the Cavern of Wine started to widen. At that moment, they had been going along a dark tunnel, nothing too exciting. However, the next room was something else entirely…

It was the biggest wine warehouse Joel had ever seen.

“It looks like that warehouse out of Indiana Jones…” he said to himself.

“In my Dad’s what?” Little Bozling asked in horror, mishearing Joel’s remark.

They had no time to explain each other there though; they had to pick up the pace of chasing Michaedeer. She was charging towards the biggest box of wine she could see. She stopped next to it.

“Remind me what the Elf Prime Minister said again?” asked Michaedeer to them.

Little Bozling sighed, “You can’t take something from here as a gift…”

“So just take one and let’s get out of here…” Joel said.

“Hmm…” Michaedeer hummed, looking at all the boxes.

“Oh come on!” shouted Little Bozling, “Surely you must be happy with some of these!”

She then looked past the boxes to the left. There was another tunnel in the cave. “What’s down there?” she asked.

“That… that’s the secret wine caver…” Little Bozling said, but he was stopped when Joel kicked him. “OW!” shouted the small elf, “THAT REALLY HURT! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?”

Joel coughed, trying to stay calm.

“WELL?” Little Bozling screamed at Joel.

“For god’s sake!” Joel shouted back at him, “We can’t let her go down that way!”

Little Bozling finally understood. They turned to stop her, but Michaedeer was no longer there. She was in the tunnel, running down it.

“NO!” Joel shouted as they ran after her. The dark tunnel that they entered was just as wet as the last one. Probably more wet in fact. So damp with dripping wine that Joel slipped over. Little Bozling then tripped over Joel and went flying on top of him.

The two lay there, on top of each other. Little Bozling went red faced.

“I do beg my pardon…” the small elf said, giggling, looking slightly gay. This scared Joel quite a lot.

“Get off!” Joel replied, angrily, pushing Little Bozling off. As he stood up, something stirred inside him. He grabbed his stomach in pain.

“What is it?” asked Little Bozling, worried now.

“I’m not sure,” Joel said back to him, still clutching his belly in agony. He then remembered. “Oh my god… is that Anal Dwelling Butt Shrew still inside me?”

“GUYS!” a voice then came from ahead, “I think… I think I’ve found it…”

Found what? Had Michaedeer found the rare wine Little Bozling spoke of? This could be bad… They both ran over to her, Joel trying to block out the pain of the shrew inside him.

They both then gasped. It was the biggest and most amazing cave Joel had ever seen. It truly was the ultimate Cavern of Wine. From the floor to the ceiling it must have been 100 feet high! It looked the size of a football field! Fiery torches were scattered throughout the room. They flickered light round the room which reflected on the damp, wine coated walls. This created a blue glow effect. It didn’t look natural for Joel, but he didn’t care. The whole room was simply amazing.

“There it is!” Michaedeer said excitedly, pointing one of her hooves.

They both looked to the centre of the room. There stood a single stone staircase. It was quite high and it had no banisters or anything.

“How very dangerous…” Joel muttered.

Sure enough, at the top, with a single spot of light beaming down onto it… lay one bottle of wine.

Michaedeer started to run towards it, the others followed. Her loud hooves clapped and clopped up the stone stairs. Little Bozling was hot on her trail. Joel was taking a calmer approach though. He was crawling up the stairs on his hands and knees, very slowly.

“Okay, Joel… okay… you’re okay…”

About half way up, he looked down. Bad idea. He was sick. He was so high, with no barriers to stop him falling.

Michaedeer reached the top, Little Bozling stopped just behind her.

“It’s beautiful…” she said softly, reaching out.

“WAIT! STOP!” the small elf cried out. To his surprise, she did.

“I need it Little Bozling… the ultimate bottle of wine…” she said to him. It looked amazing. The glass was made out of silver and they liquid inside seemed to glow almost.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this one. They say it’s cursed. Please Michaedeer, trust me…”

She looked at him, and then she looked back at the bottle of wine.

“DO AS HE SAYS!” Joel shouted out from half way down the stairs.

“Please Michaedeer, I thought we were friends… don’t do it…” Little Bozling said softly.

Inside her mind, a mad battle was happening. She loved her two new friends. She didn’t want to betray them. She didn’t want to hurt them. But, the alcoholism was taking over. She needed the wine. She craved the wine. She had to have it.

She reached forwards.

“NO!!” Little Bozling cried.

Michaedeer touched the forbidden wine bottle.

TUNE BACK IN LATER TODAY FOR CHAPTER 20 - SEPERATED

That Elf Dance...

Hey guys... Finally managed to get the elf dance working that I wanted to the other day...

Here it is...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 18 - The Elf Dance

CHAPTER 18 - THE ELF DANCE

They were all escorted by the elves into a large building. As they entered, they looked around at what appeared to be a grand hall. Ahead of them was a single elf sitting on a large chair.

“Let me guess…” Joel said to the other two, “This is the King of the Elves?”

Little Bozling just looked at Joel, disgusted with what he just said.

“Everyone knows there is no King of the Elves,” Michaedeer said to the confused Joel, “They only have a prime minister!”

“…Of course…” Joel said, shaking his head. They reached the large chair. A small elf looked back at them.

One thing that Joel had noticed, the elves were all slightly bigger than Little Bozling… he did appear to be the smallest, but it still didn’t seem to be a fair reason to banish him.

“What are you doing here?” the Elf Prime Minister said to Little Bozling. He looked about the same age as Little Bozling, but had brown hair. The strangest thing was that unlike the other elves, this one was wearing a suit.

“I… just… was escorting my friends…” Little Bozling mumbled back.

All the elves surrounding them started to laugh; the Prime Minister did so too. “You… friends! HAHAHA!” he said. Little Bozling was getting quite upset.

“Stop it!” Joel said, pushing forwards.

“And who is this?” the Elf Prime Minister asked.

“My name is Joel, I seek Santa Blessed…” before he had a chance to finish his sentence, the Elf Prime Minister lead out a loud bellow.

“HA! How wonderful! Joel! A strong, powerful name. My name is Joelfrakeus… I am the Prime Minister here… I like you Joel, you may pass!”

“Thank you,” said Joel. All three of them began to walk off.

“WAIT!” Joelfrakeus then called out. They all stopped and turned slowly. “I didn’t say he could go…” he said, pointing at Little Bozling, “He is to be punished for returning!”

“What did he do?” Michaedeer shouted at him. The Prime Minister fell back into his chair at that remark. No one had shouted at him like that for a long time.

“How dare you talk back to me like that!? He is banished for many reasons!” Joelfrakeus shouted back at her.

“Like what?” Michaedeer replied instantly, unafraid of him.

“…he… is too small! He plays violent video games! And he can’t dance!”

Joel looked up. Can’t dance? What kind of weird place was this?

“I don’t play those kinds of games anymore!” Little Bozling said, “I’ve had too much real adventure now to sit in front of a TV again…”

“And being small is not a proper reason!” Michaedeer joined in.

The Elf Prime Minister sat there for a while, pondering.

“He could do the dance!” Joel said suddenly. Everyone looked at him.

The Prime Minister sat forwards slowly, “This is no mere dance from your world… human… this an elf dance… our mating call… if he cannot do it, he does not deserve to be an elf! He cannot live here!”

Joel looked down at Little Bozling. The small elf just shook his head. Joel winked though.

“He’ll do it… just give me an hour…” Joel said.

Joelfrakeus then pondered some more. Then finally, “FINE! If Little Bozling successfully dances, he is allowed back into the Land of Elves and may pass to wherever he wishes!”

Joel smiled, “Thank you, sir…” The three of them then turned and walked off. As soon as they got into one of the side rooms, Little Bozling started to cry.

“I can’t do that Joel!” Little Bozling muttered, “I’ve never been able to do the elf dance!”

“Surely it’s not that hard!” Joel quickly said back to him.

Michaedeer then walked forwards, “No… Little Bozling is right… it is a dance too groovy to be performed by any human, it takes great skill…”

Little Bozling started to cry even harder, “I’ll never get back to the Land of Elves…”

“I’ll teach you…” Joel said.

“You dance?” Michaedeer asked, a little shocked.

It turns out that Joel was actually a terrific dancer. In his time back in Boarding School when he was in his room alone, he rented a whole set of teach yourself ballet tapes. He used to practice for hours. It was actually that film Billy Elliot that had inspired him. He hadn’t shown anyone till now. Another one of his deep, dark secrets.

So, eventually convincing them by doing a 60 second version of the Nutcracker Ballet, he began to train Little Bozling. The small elf was truly awful at dancing.

“Left foot forward!” Joel said, performing this action.

Little Bozling put his right hand onto the floor in front of him. “Like this?”

Joel tried to contain his rage. He constantly had to walk over and put Little Bozling into position. He was quite useless. They slowly but surely began to do it though. Michaedeer told them the moves to do, as she had become quite obsessed with the dance of the elves one time and looked it up on WikiBlessed.

Joel wished he had more than an hour, but he didn’t. He had finally got Little Bozling to a stage where he could memorise most of the moves. The only worry Joel still had was linking them all together. The small elf often had to stop and think. It looked awful.

Suddenly the door swung open, a small elf with dark hair was stood there. “The Elf Prime Minister, Joelfrakeus wishes for you to perform the dance now…”

They had no choice; they had run out of time. They all began to walk out the room.

“Will I be doing this dance alone?” Little Bozling asked.

“Heavens no!” the other elf replied, as he led them back to the main hall, “You never perform the elf dance alone!”

“So he’ll have a partner?” Joel said.

The elf looked at him with a very patronising look in his eyes; it made Joel feel a bit like an idiot… what did they expect… he’d never seen an elf dance before! “He will be performing along with four other elves! Including Joelfrakeus himself, he loves to dance and wishes to join in…”

They reached the great hall. Sure enough, four elves stood in the middle of the hall, a crowd gathering around them. In the middle was the Elf Prime Minister himself, but he had got changed out of his suit into dancing gear. They all looked at him, waiting.

“Are you ready Little Bozling?” Joelfrakeus asked.

Little Bozling nodded stepping forwards. “Good luck…” Michaedeer whispered.

Joel squeezed his tiny shoulder, “I believe in you!” They watched as their friend walked into the middle, and they themselves stood within the crowd. It wasn’t hard to get a good view. Both Joel and Michaedeer stood much higher than everyone else.

“Play the track!” Joelfrakeus shouted. Horrible dance music started up. All the elves started to do the robot dance. Joel was worried, that wasn’t what they had practiced. To his horror, Little Bozling fell over. He landed hard on his front. All the elves round the room started to laugh at him, pointing. He was trying to hold the tears back.

“EXILE!” Joelfrakeus shouted immediately.

The surprise suddenly was Michaedeer stepping forwards. “That wasn’t a fair trial! You didn’t play the official elf dance music! You cheated!”

An awkward silence filled the room. A tumble weed rolled past. Joel wondered where all these tumble weeds were coming from. Never mind about that now though, more important things were going on.

“Fine…” the Elf Prime Minister said as Little Bozling stood up, “Play the real track!”

Little Bozling looked at Michaedeer, she smiled at him. He smiled back. She had saved him, he had another chance.

The music started to play, it filled the room.

“OH GREAT!” shouted Joel, just what he needed… a Christmas tune.

Little Bozling had a huge grin across his face though. He loved Christmas music, and he couldn’t help but grin when looking at his new friends. They really dropped everything to help him.

The dance started. It was unlike anything Joel had ever seen. Some of the dance got so extreme that no one knows what it was really like. There was arm swinging. Their legs bounced around with glee. Pelvic thrusts filled the air. It was amazing. The best bit though… Little Bozling was doing it! His boost had done something, he felt alive and all new, and it was no trouble. It came to him naturally.

Joel watched through squinted eyes. The music was atrocious. It got worse when everyone, including Michaedeer started to sing-a-long.

After the long dancing ritual, Joel thought it must have started about 7 minutes… they all jumped into the air, and landed on their knees. Little Bozling had done it, nailed every part of the dance. The crowd went wild, cheering and applauding.

Little Bozling turned to Joelfrakeus. He was relieved to see a huge smile over the Elf Prime Ministers face.

“Well?” Joel asked.

Joelfrakeus walked forwards, he put his hand on Little Bozling’s shoulder. “Welcome back to the Land of Elves.”

The crowd again went wild. Little Bozling felt amazing. He had done it. And it was all thanks to his new friends.

“You may all pass, Santa Blessed is just ahead to the North. You are all welcome here whenever you choose…” Joelfrakeus told them all, “But please, before you go… please take something from our Wine Cavern as a congratulatory gift.”

Oh no. Wine. An entire cavern of wine. This was not what Joel and Little Bozling wanted to hear. It was too late though. Michaedeer was running to where the Elf Prime Minister was pointing.

“MICHAEDEER!” Joel cried out, running after her.

This was not going to end well.



(Picture coming when STUPIDLY SLOW internet allows me to put it up...)


TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 19 - THE WINE CAVERN