CHAPTER 4 - CASTLE W02
The porter dragon slammed into the ground. Joel had never felt such a force. He flew straight from the creature’s eye and flew forwards. Thump. He hit something hard. It felt like a person. Joel looked up, his whole world spinning. It was a person. He had landed on a person. Unfortunately, Joel had clearly crushed the poor man. It was strange though, he wore some strange uniform.
“I’m sorry,” Joel said to the dead corpse, trying to stand up. Suddenly, he felt a sharp point at his neck. At this point, he pooed. Luckily he still was wearing no trousers, so it didn’t make too much mess.
“Who are you?” a voice asked from behind him.
“I’m Joel. Don’t ask anymore, because I really, really don’t know myself! I just did battle with a dragon! Did you not see that? Who are you?” Joel said back to him.
“My name is not important. I am a royal guard for Castle W02. And you just killed my partner!” the voice angrily shouted at him.
“I didn’t mean to,” Joel begged him; “It was an accident! And what do you mean Castle W02?”
The point got closer to Joel’s neck. “Think you’re funny do ya?” the voice screamed at him. The next thing Joel knew, he was being dragged by his hair along the ground by the guard.
“Help me!” he shouted, but all he could see was the dragon laid across the floor. Both its eyes smothered in brown paste. Poor thing. The pain on the back of his neck was excruciating! And as well as that, the cold snow underneath was slowly giving frost bite to his anus!
“Please put me down!” Joel cried again, but this just made the guard pull harder.
After what seemed like an entire age, Joel felt the snow underneath his butt cheeks beginning to fade. But wait! This was worse! Gravel! He screamed as loud as he could as the rough gravel pierced every crack and crevice around his backside. The ground then turned to cobblestone. “What the hell is going on?” he cried.
“This is Castle W02! You are a trespasser on this land, and you must be punished!” Joel heard the guard say.
“But I promise I won’t crush anyone again! Please! I’ll leave right now!”
It was no good though. Joel watched the sky above him disappear. It was replaced by a huge set of doors, guards passed him in dozens. Just how big was this castle? A huge roof seemed to stretch for miles above him. Every new room he was dragged into got slightly darker, and more slimy. Where were they taking him? He then heard a loud clang and the guard yanked Joel’s hair until he was stood up. The guard threw Joel forward into a dark cell.
“No! Don’t look me in the dungeon! Please!” Joel begged to the guard.
The guard simply smiled back at him, “I will see you later…” he sniggered, and then walked off.
Joel looked around his cell. Everything was so dark. Slime covered the wall, the floors were all greasy and the roof dripped water constantly. He then heard a cough and turned slowly. He wasn’t alone in here. Behind him was the biggest man he had ever seen. His arms were gigantic, like someone had put two tree trunks onto a body. His face was deeply scarred all over and his hair had mostly fallen out. The huge fists were being cracked just in front of Joel’s face.
“Oh god…” Joel said, once again thinking this was the end. He waited for the punch. The pain. And the poo that would come out of him. There was nothing though. Joel looked up at the man again.
“Oo oo ee ah oo!” the man said. What? He spoke like a gorilla.
Joel was trying very hard not to laugh at this point. “Pardon?” he chuckled.
The giant man then fainted. Joel just stood there. “This is the strangest day…” Joel said to himself.
“Don’t worry about him. He’s narcoleptic,” a voice called from the darkness. Joel hadn’t realised that another person was in here too. It sounded like it was coming from the corner of the room, but that entire area was shrouded in shadow.
“Who are you?” Joel asked.
“Don’t ask about me. Just worry about him,” the voice said again.
“He’s out cold!” Joel laughed back.
“He may be out cold at the moment, but when he gets up… you’re in for some trouble… they tortured him till he spoke like a gorilla… very odd I know, but he’s one mean guy now! He can’t detect movement though. So just stay still!”
“I’m not staying still!” Joel shouted back at him, “I need to get out of here!” Joel turned and pounded on the bars. “HELP!” He pulled and twisted them. “I’m not meant to be here!” he cried. He walked up and down, trying to find a weakness. He hadn’t realised however that the gargantuan man had woken up though, and was starting to rise up from the floor.
“Stop moving!” the voice called out. Joel didn’t hear though. He just carried on banging. Next thing he realised was he was in the air. The huge beast of a man had picked Joel clean up and was holding him above his head. The giant made crazy monkey noises. He dropped Joel to the floor. In both a fit of rage and panic, Joel began to madly swing at the giant man, hoping to hit him somewhere that hurt. He hit his stomach. His face. Even his groinal area, but the giant just laughed back at Joel. He then had a quick idea, something that would always scare people away. Joel turned round and farted straight in the direction of the huge man. The huge man spluttered. He coughed. It was clear that the smell was absolutely horrendous. The giant gagged. Joel was pleased for the smallest of moments, thinking that he was victorious. Unfortunately, he had just angered the mad gorilla man even more. The huge man picked Joel up by both his arms and shoved him into his mouth. He then proceeded to suck him, a bit like a baby’s dummy.
The experience for Joel was, as you guessed, not very pleasant at all. The giant’s mouth was all wet and hot. A bit like a rectum. Joel thought for a quick moment about what to do next. Why would that mysterious man in the corner not come and help him? He looked around for something to attack, but he didn’t have the use of his arms or legs. Joel leaned forward and nutted one of the man’s teeth. He yelled in pain and sat Joel out. He was covered head to toe in slobber. Joel froze when he hit the floor. He can’t move. The giant looked around for Joel, sometimes looking right at him, but unable to see him. The beast of a man rubbed his tooth then retreated to the back of the room, growling.
By this point, Joel was trying to stop the tears. This was by far the worst day of his life. How could it possibly get any worse?
There was another loud clang. The door that Joel was leaning upon flew open, making him fall backwards. The guard pulled Joel to his feet.
“Had fun in there did you?” he chuckled.
“Please! Let me go!” Joel said back, trying to stay calm.
“Sure, I’ll let you go… but first the king wants a quick word with you…” he pushed Joel towards the door. Because of his still throbbing hair and constantly aching buttocks, Joel obliged. He wanted no more pain today. The guard led him into a gigantic room. It was full to the brim of what looked like video tapes. Literally, Joel could only see VHS tapes. The floor was made of the tapes. The ceiling was. It even looked like the room was being held together by video case walls and giant DVD pillars. He carried on walking through, heading towards a big crowd. Who were they all around? It had to be the King, but Joel didn’t know who to expect.
The guard pushed through the crowd and finally pushed Joel to the floor.
“You!” the King cried out in horror.
Joel looked up slowly, “You?” he repeated back.
TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 5 : THE OLD MAN
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