CHAPTER 3 - MICHAEDEER
Joel was so scared. What was lying in this cave waiting for him? Was it mean? Little Bozling was terrified as well, what if whatever it was didn’t like his hair? They then saw something crawling out of the deep black. It hiccupped. What the? Joel peered forward, squinting. It was furry. Crawling on all fours. Some dying dog? No… it was much bigger than that. They both suddenly realised what it was.
It was some kind of reindeer. Well, at least its body was. A reindeer crawling on its knee. Looking half dead. But it had a girls head. With full blonde hair and everything. How incredibly odd. They saw it hiccup again. It swayed back and forth.
“What are you?” Little Bozling bravely said.
“DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” the creature said, its voice wobbling. The poor animal proceeded to soiled itself quite violently, then collapse. They both walked up to it cautiously. What was it? A reindeer… girl? Was it dead? Joel poked it. No response.
“I think it could be dead…” said Joel. “Do we eat it?”
The creature then stirred. “I don’t want to buy the baby milking tool from Iceland!” it mumbled.
Little Bozling and Joel looked at each other. They then both started to laugh hysterically. Was it some kind of drunken reindeer? Its fur sure looked warm though. Little Bozling sat down and snuggled into it. “Don’t worry; it looks like it’ll be out for a while!” Little Bozling said to Joel. Joel sat down next to Little Bozling, wrapping the creature’s fur around him too. They sat there for a while, slowly warming up, listening to the raging storm outside.
Suddenly there was a loud rumble. They both looked up. The cave was shaking.
“What’s going on?” cried Joel. Little Bozling was running around in circles screaming though. “What? What is it?” shouted Joel again.
“AVALANCHE!” screamed Little Bozling. Sure enough a few moments later Joel watched in horror as the opening of the cave disappeared to a landslide of thick white snow. He closed his eyes and waited for it to stop. When he opened them again, there was nothing but darkness.
“Little Bozling?” Joel called out.
“I’m here,” replied the small voice.
“What’s going on?” mumbled a third voice.
“There was some kind of avalanche; we’re trapped in here…” Joel said into the darkness. He then heard a horrendous vomiting noise. “What was that?”
“My bad!” the third voice called out. “Bad night, last night!”
“What exactly are you?” Little Bozling asked.
“Me… why I’m Michaedeer. Also known as a Michaela Reindeer. I’m a very rare breed. Don’t ask how I was conceived!” it said back.
“Don’t worry… I won’t!” Joel answered back. “We need to get out of here though! Let’s move! But which way?”
“We need some kind of light,” said Little Bozling. “Wait there, I’ve got an idea.”
Joel heard lots of scuffling about in the darkness. He then heard two rocks clicking together. Next thing he knew, his pubic hair was on fire again! “NO!” shouted Joel, “STOP DOING THAT!” For the briefest period of time all three of them glanced at each other in the dim light. A 19 year old six foot tall human being, a two foot tall elf with fantastic hair and a drunken half girl, half reindeer. It was the strangest thing Joel had ever seen. Before he patted his hair out, he looked around. “Over there! That’s the way! Head down there!”
Joel tapped his groin until it went out. They all felt along the wall and followed the path.
“So what are you gays doing in this neck of Blessed-topia?” Michaedeer asked.
“I’m not gay!!” shouted Joel at her back. “What makes you say that?”
“Just the fact you’re half naked… and all elves are gay… that’s a known fact!” she replied.
“Well, I happen to be half naked because I was kidnapped just after having a shower! Brian Blessed put me in his beard and I ended up in this hell hole! Now I’m stuck in some horrible dark cavern with an elf and a drunken reindeer person!” Joel cried out.
“What makes you think I’m drunk?” she asked him back.
“Just a hunch…” Little Bozling giggled from the darkness.
“Now listen here,” she called back to him, “When you’re unfortunate enough to be a half girl, half reindeer… let’s see if you don’t enjoy a little bit of wine now and again!”
“I see a light!” Joel then shouted out. Sure enough in front of him was the smallest speck of light. “It’s gotta be a way out!” Joel began to run towards it, followed closely by Little Bozling.
“Wait! Don’t go that way! That’s why I’m here!” Michaedeer cried out. Joel stopped dead on the stop; Little Bozling couldn’t slow down in time and run straight forward into Joel’s buttocks. His face was deeply lodged between both cheeks.
“Why? What’s ahead?” Joel slowly asked. It was too late, he heard a loud roar. “What was that?”
Suddenly the entire cavern filled with light. Whatever was ahead blocking the way had just moved. The light at first was blinding, but when Joel focused on it he nearly gasped. It was a dragon. No joke. A full 50 foot long bright red dragon. Under its scales glowed orange, like lava was passed through its veins.
“That can’t be what I think it is… can it? Dragons aren’t real!” Joel shouted.
“I don’t know what weird world you come from! But dragons are very real in Blessed-topia! This is a very nasty one that was chasing me; it seems to be the porter of this cave. One very fat, big and nasty porter!” Michaedeer cried back.
“We have a horrendously fat porter in Farnham!” Joel laughed back to her
“Well this is no time to laugh! This is a porter dragon! And it will eat you! JUMP!” Michaedeer screamed.
The dragon lunged forwards at Joel. He screamed like a girl and jumped out of the way. To be honest, I would have expected, should this have been a fiction piece that Joel was eaten at this point, after all, what chance does he have with a dragon? Not the case though, Joel was stronger than he looked. Well, only by accident.
As Joel jumped out the way, his foot wrapped around one of the dragon’s teeth by accident. The creature pulled its head out of the cave dragging Joel with it. Joel had never been so scared in all his life. Surely this was the end? He dangled helplessly from the creature’s mouth. It tried to shake him off but Joel’s foot was really jammed in there. The porter dragon took off. In an instant Joel was hundreds of feet in the air, upside down from a dragon’s mouth, still half naked. He had not expected this when he woke up that morning. Joel fiddled to try and get his foot loose, it then budged. Joel grabbed the creatures scales and pulled his foot clean out. He was now holding on to the creatures lip with all his might.
The creature opened its huge mouth, Joel still holding on, and shot fire straight out. The huge flames singed Joel’s fingers. They hadn’t hurt this much since he accidentally trapped them in a toilet seat once. Still, he held on, gasping for breath, seeing his life flashing before his eyes.
The porter dragon then took a very steep dive. The G-Force was incredible; Joel lost his grip and flew into the air. The creature levelled out and Joel dropped straight on top of its nose. It looked so angry. Just like the fat porter in Farnham University when you took some food away from him. Joel grabbed a horn on the snout of the dragon and looked down. Underneath him was a huge expansive world, covered in snow full of forests and mountains. Joel then had a slight accident. Not being very good with heights, Joel got nervous suddenly. A bit of poo came out his bum, he couldn’t help it. The poo flew straight back with the incredible speed of the dragon. It splatted straight into the porter dragon’s eye. The creature screamed in agony. Not only did the faecal matter sting its eye like crazy, the sheer smell of it was also unbearable. It carried on roaring in pain, and blinked trying to wipe the poo from its eye.
The porter dragon did not see the mountain ahead of it though, and its wing smashed into hard rock suddenly. The force of the crash threw Joel off the horn. He flew straight back into the creatures other eye. Pfft. Joel farted. The porter dragon had now been blinded in both its eyes. It began to drop from the sky. Joel has just pushed further back into the creature’s eye with the velocity he was travelling at. He waited for the ground to hit. Surely this was the end for him?
TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 4 : CASTLE W02
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