CHAPTER 21 - SANTA BLESSED
Joel entered through the huge doors of the grotto. He walked into darkness. This was not how he had expected Santa’s grotto to look though. He’d seen so many Christmas movies, all of which he hated, that showed it as such a happy place. For once, Joel wished that could have been right. But of course, it wasn’t.
The whole place was dark. Furnaces were lit around the room. Slimy, black skinned elves walked round everywhere. He thought the enchantment of the Land of Elves only applied to the outside. Did this mean these elves truly looked that horrendous?
The floor underneath him was what felt like gravel. Sharp and painful against his bare feet. Had you forgotten that Joel was still wearing no trousers? Because I assure you, he still was half naked.
Ahead of him was a single spotlight. He started to walk towards it.
“HALT!” a voice came out of nowhere.
Joel recognised that voice. He’d know it anywhere.
“Santa Blessed, I presume?” Joel said into the darkness.
Sure enough, Joel saw the silhouette of Brian Blessed’s beard enter the spotlight. He was in for a bit of a shock though. This wasn’t the same Brian Blessed from his world. It had his head. The face and beard were still there. On top of his head was a Christmas hat. The odd thing was Santa Blessed’s bottom half.
He was half woman. He wore what appeared to be a sexy Santa costume. Santa Blessed has a stunning female body, one of the best Joel had ever seen… but still had Brian Blessed’s face and voice.
Santa Blessed had a great, curvy body. Joel couldn’t stop staring. A fantastic pair of boobs. Her… or his… belly was showing. Not a fat Brian Blessed belly though, a toned and flat one. Santa Blessed also wore a short skirt, fish net tights and knee high leather boots.
To be honest, Joel was having a hard time not becoming slightly aroused with the fantastic figure in front of him. The only thing stopping him was the ugly face of Brian Blessed looking back at him.
“Who are you?” Santa Blessed asked, in the booming Brian Blessed voice… not a sexy female one at all.
“My name is Joel Maguet…” he replied, “I was sent here but Brian Blessed back on my world of Earth…”
“Ah! My dear brother!” Santa Blessed laughed, “He must have had his reasons!”
Joel stepped forward some more, “Only because I didn’t like Christmas. Not a good reason to put me through this!”
“Well…” the half hot Santa Blessed said back to him, “There’s nothing I can do about it! I’m not going to help you!”
Joel smiled, “I was told that if I defeated you… I could have one wish. And I could get home.”
Santa Blessed laughed menacingly. “You? Defeat me? I think not… I am the most powerful person within Blessed-Topia. You think this world was always called that?”
Joel didn’t reply, he’d never thought about that before.
“I rule this land with an iron fist. By doing so, no one messes with me… and I need not mess with them…” it said to him.
“But you should be a good leader!” Joel shouted.
Santa Blessed smiled, “If you think you can defeat me… go ahead…”
Joel could do this. It didn’t look too hard. It may have been Brian Blessed’s head, but if the body was anything to go by… it wouldn’t be a tough fight. It should be over quickly.
So, without thinking, Joel lunged forwards, thrusting his fists towards Santa Blessed.
Bad idea. Santa Blessed was fast. Very fast. She… or he quickly dodged Joel’s fist. Within a flash, Santa Blessed had spun around and kicked Joel in the back of the head, knocking him to the floor. That was unexpected.
It didn’t stop him though, Joel knew this was how to get out of Blessed-Topia and wasn’t going to give up that easily! He rose once more and faced Santa Blessed.
“Nice trick…” said Joel, tauntingly, “But I bet you’ve not seen this one before!”
He ran forwards and went to rugby tackle the girl man. Santa Blessed jumped on top of his back as he charged. She then proceeded to ride him around like a pony.
“STOP IT!” Joel cried, “GET OFF ME!”
Santa Blessed was just laughing though. Joel realised at that point that she must have had some form of ninja training or something like that… if only Little Bozling and Michaedeer were here to help him.
Joel deliberately fell to the floor, allowing Santa Blessed to roll off his back elegantly. They faced each other again.
“For a boy wearing no clothes covering your willy… you have a lot of spirit…” Santa Blessed said to him.
Joel was getting really angry now, “SHUT UP!”
Santa Blessed came towards him. It was stupid to keep facing her head on, he decided to run. They both charged through the warehouse. It wasn’t making toys though. It was making tools of death. Weapons. Bombs. Spiked sex toys. Everywhere Joel looked was something nasty.
From behind him, Joel heard a revving. That can’t be good. He looked back. Oh god… Santa Blessed was in a quad bike heading towards him. She screamed out what sounded like Indian war taunts. The vehicle reached him; he dived into a pile of toxic waste bags to his left. Ahead of him Santa Blessed did a sharp hand brake turn and faced him again. She stayed on the spot, continuously revving, ready to drive again. Then Joel saw it, he had no other choice.
He ran. As fast as his naked legs could carry him. He heard in his ear the quad bike driving forwards, but he had made it. He jumped into the go kart that he had seen and turned the key. His vehicle powered up too. He started with a bump as Santa Blessed rammed him from behind, but then he got some momentum.
His go kart drove forwards, faster than Joel had expected it would be. He was building some serious speed now. The single darts of light around the dark warehouse flashed past him. He then received another bump; Santa Blessed was right on his tail.
The two light vehicles charged through the long room, now side by side. Santa Blessed rammed Joel; Joel then retaliated with a nudge back. They couldn’t hit each other too hard though, the vehicles weren’t that strong. With another ram, a wire from the quad bike accidentally became entangled with the frame of Joel’s go kart. They were now stuck to each other.
Santa Blessed reached over and smacked Joel in the face with her surprisingly hard fist. Joel’s face felt like it was on fire. He had been in quite a few fights within Blessed-Topia, but he thinks that punch probably hurt the most. He spat a tooth out onto his hand. Now he was furious. He tried to swing his fist back at her, but she caught it and chopped his wrist joint making it crack. Joel screamed in pain.
“This is your stop…” Santa Blessed said.
Joel looked ahead; the two entangled vehicles were coming up closely to the end of the room. A large wall stood before him. To his surprise, Santa Blessed stayed cool. She just smiled at him. She stood up on top of the quad and raised her arms. Her hands caught a bar that whooshed past her, she was pulled off the quad bike and landed safely back on the floor.
Joel however, was not so lucky. His wrist hurt badly. What could he do? He had one last chance to look forward, but it wasn’t a long glance, because suddenly he hit the wall.
TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 22 - PLANS OF WAR
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