CHAPTER 15 - CELEBRITY LAND
The moment that Joel walked into Celebrity Land, he knew there was trouble. The place wasn’t at all as he had imagined it… it was mostly on fire. There was no sunlight at all, smoke was blocking it all out, in a huge black cloud that loomed overhead constantly. Celebrities that he recognised from film, television and even theatre were all running round like mad men.
“What happened here?” Joel asked, shocked.
Little Bozling looked around and replied softly, “These were once great celebrities… but they were corrupted with their own power. They became evil. They were then all sent here, to live out the remainder of their lives in Blessed-Topia…”
Joel gasped as he watched Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews having rampant sex on top of a nearby beer keg.
“TAKE THE DYKE! POPPINS! WOO!” he screamed at her.
All she could reply with was, “I hear a spoonful on sugar will help your medicine go down!” Well… that just ruined most of Joel’s childhood memories. He’ll never look at Mary Poppins in the same way again.
Little Bozling continued, “Because of their corruption, they ran wild and this is what happened to Celebrity-Land. Once it was great, but all that was good is now lost…”
“We need to hurry!” Michaedeer said to them, “We shouldn’t linger here too long… we must get to the Land of Elves…”
The three walked slowly onwards, looking around at the mayhem everywhere. Joel saw what looked like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie down a dark alley way. He couldn’t know for sure, but it almost looked like… they were buying children? Off some dark stranger in the alley! How strange was that! Angelina picked one up and kissed it. The small baby was consumed by her lips. Joel couldn’t watch anymore.
Little Bozling was looking to the other side. Two girls were having a mud wrestling match. It looked to be Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel and Rachel McAdams… it was so dirty, and filthy, and… brown…
Michaedeer was watching forwards. Tobey Maguire, Robert Downey Jr and Hugh Jackman were all rolling around the floor. It looked to her like they were all pretending to be superheroes.
Little Bozling looked at this sight as well, “How tragic… taken over by the characters that made them famous. It is a curse of superhero actors, once playing a superhero… always think they are a superhero…”
Joel watched in horror as Tobey Maguire started to climb up a drainpipe. He knew what was going to happen before it did.
“GO SPIDERWEB!” the actor shouted, jumping off the rooftop. SPLAT! He hit the floor. Dead instantly. What shocked Joel was that this wasn’t the end though. What looked to be midget actors started to crowd around him.
“I’ve heard about this…” Michaedeer gasped, “The dwarf actors eat those who are killed… be extra careful!”
Within moments, there was nothing left of Tobey Maguire but his penis. Kyle Gass then walked past, looked once at the penis, picked it up and walked off chewing it.
“Please… can we get out of here?” Joel asked. The rest of the gang nodded, and they all started to speed up.
Gangs were starting to emerge now. To his left were what seemed to be the Heroes cast. James Kyson Lee was making out with Masi Oka. Alan Blumenfeld was eating the remains of Hayden Panettiere. Dania Ramirez was stood in front of a mirror rubbing her skin till it peeled off. David Anders was singing to himself in a corner.
It was so sad to Joel to see some of his favourite actors over the years reduced to such a state. Would he ever be able to look at them in the same way again?
“Oh no!” Little Bozling said… “It’s the comedians…”
Sure enough a gang was walking up to them. All of Joel’s favourite comedy actors were in there.
“Going somewhere?” Jim Carrey said to him. Joel giggled. There was absolutely nothing funny about what he just said… but the way he said it just cracked Joel up. Good old Jim.
“Funny guy, are you?” Will Ferrell mumbled, cracking his knuckles.
“I think we need to teach all these guys a lesson in pain…” said Steve Carrell, Seth Rogen next to him nodded his head in agreement.
“What do we do?” Joel asked, scared.
“Hey guys!” Michaedeer shouted out, “Go fetch!”
She grabbed an Oscar out of Tom Hanks’ hand, who was standing next to her and threw it. The comedians all ran after it like a pack of wolves.
Tom Hanks started to cry, “WHY!!!” he screamed out. The three walked off and left him… probably best not to get involved in that situation!
Just when Joel thought it couldn’t get any worse… it did. A shady gang walked up to him.
“Got some change mister?” asked Aaron Eckhart.
It was the Dark Knight gang. A mean bunch of actors that didn’t like anything happy. They preferred to live in shade, sunlight hurt them.
“I have no change, sorry…” Joel pleaded with him. Gary Oldman started to walk towards Michaedeer with a knife in his hands. Little Bozling was then picked up by his collar by Michael Caine. He was nothing like how he was in films. This Michael Caine looked extremely tired, with yellowish skin and blue veins running across his face.
“This one looks good enough to eat!” Michael Caine said, raising Little Bozling up some more.
“…Not again…” cried Little Bozling. Joel noticed Christopher Nolan, the director standing near the back rubbing his hands together laughing hysterically. What a fall he must have had because of fame.
Little Bozling was suddenly saved though, by Christian Bale. He rugby tackled the old actor to the ground then picked up the small elf himself.
“You seen my Mum?” Christian Bale asked angrily.
“…No… sorry…” said Little Bozling. The butch actor dropped him then ran over to Joel.
“HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU SEEN MY MUM?”
I guess the rumours were true. “No… I haven’t…” Joel replied, trying to stay calm. The actor ran off, and the other Dark Knight actors shrunk back into the darkness of a nearby alleyway.
As the three proceeded through Celebrity Land, they saw many more sights that I dare not even discuss within this story. I can give you a few highlights though.
They watched as Mel Gibson sat at a table, with a knife and fork, and slowly ate what appeared to be a Rabbi.
They saw Keanu Reeves get attacked by a rabid woodpecker.
They watched Tom Cruise performing open brain surgery on Katie Holmes while he gently sang her Humpty Dumpty to calm her down.
They saw Harrison Ford whipping small slave children, with his trademark Indiana Jones weapon, to get them to lick his toe nails.
They saw a huge fight erupt between Russell Crowe and Bruce Willis over who was the butchest actor. This fight got quickly out of hand however by Shia LaBeouf tried to stop the fight. They ripped him into two pieces then proceeded to beat each other with his severed limbs.
They witnessed a bar brawl between the cast of Firefly and the cast of Scrubs. Nathan Fillion beat Zach Braff over the head with a metal chair, making his nose break in half. What was strange though was that out of his nose came thousands of what looked like mini Jewish spiders. That’s why his nose was so big.
They also saw Kevin Spacey and Dustin Hoffman in a pole dancing contest for Edward Norton. Something Joel thought he would never see, but of course in Blessed-Topia… nothing is too strange.
They could see the exit now. A huge gate lay up ahead. Just a few steps more. No way it would be that easy though. They were ambushed.
Samuel L. Jackson grabbed Joel. Morgan Freeman grabbed Michaedeer. Will Smith grabbed Little Bozling.
The three veteran black actors screamed things at them, but Joel was unable to understand most of it to be honest. The actors started to drag them towards a house though.
“What’s happening?” Joel asked Little Bozling in a panic.
“I can’t be sure,” replied the small elf, “But I think they’re taking us to see their king…”
TUNE BACK IN LATER TODAY FOR CHAPTER 16 - THE MADNESS OF KING GEORGE
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