CHAPTER 6 - CHALLENGED
“You!” Joel repeated back to the King. He couldn’t believe it. Out of all the people in this world or back on Earth, who would’ve suspected that Joel’s history and theory tutor, Andy Small, was in fact the vile king of the Wastelands of Blessed-Topia.
“Why are you here?” Andy Small said down to Joel.
Joel hated Andy. He hated him so much. All those essays. Those awful films that the teacher had made him watch. Joel needed revenge… somehow. Maybe this was how it could be done.
I’d like to note at this point as well, just how unattractive Andy Small is. His face looked like it had been hit with a frying pan repeatedly. The stench of him was like a mouldy sock. His hair was short, stumpy and completely stupid. Just like the man who branded it.
“Well!” Andy cried at Joel, “Answer me! What are you doing in the Wastelands of Blessed-Topia?”
“Well… Andy…” Joel answered sarcastically, “I could ask the same about you!”
Andy Small looked furious. Joel had seen this look before. Pure rage. Andy Small seemed to have numerous fits of rage, often killing students in the process. Joel remembered one time in a lecture that a student’s head got in the way of the screen. A slight shadow had appeared in the bottom of the projection. No one really had noticed. Except Andy Small. He ripped his shirt off, whilst screaming like a mad man. He then picked up an axe from under his desk, ran up the tiers of desks and lopped the poor boy’s head off. It was a disturbing sight for sure, but Joel was used to it as a student more or less every Tuesday in the lecture.
“HOW DARE YOU TALK BACK TO ME!” Andy Small screamed at Joel. He was twitching, drool dripping from his mouth.
“Sorry… Andy…” Joel said with a laugh, “Let me answer for you. Brian Blessed put me inside his beard and I came to this land. I don’t care whether you believe me or not, frankly it doesn’t bother me. I’m just pleased I don’t have to have another one of your lectures!”
Andy snapped. He bit the guard who was neck to him. Ripped a chunk clear out of his arm. As he chewed the piece of flesh gently, Joel watched as he tried to calm himself down.
“Well, let me answer this for you. You are in Blessed-Topia. I have no idea why it is named this, but I assure you that your story about this being a world inside of Brian Blessed’s beard is absolutely absurd! I am, as you can see, the King here. The Wastelands of Blessed-Topia. This is where all people who have been shamed from their real lives come, to live in exile. I, being the man I am, came here quite early and made a big name for myself…”
Joel interrupted, “A big name? Like Andy SMALL? I’m a bit confused now…”
Andy snapped again. This time he dropped to the floor and grabbed Joel’s face with a firm grasp. Sweat dripped from Andy’s brow onto the floor. He spoke clearly to Joel’s face, spitting small pieces of flesh and spit over his face.
“Kill this traitor…” Andy said to his guard.
The guard picked Joel up. “It will be done my lord,” he said as he raised a knife to Joel’s neck.
“No!” cried Andy Small. “Execute him. Something nasty. Rip his spine out. Swap around his eyeballs and his testicles. I want him to suffer.”
“Why don’t you just do it yourself Andy?” Joel cried, impulsively.
“What?” Andy said with interest, leaning in.
“Kill me yourself!” Joel continued. “Or are you too SMALL?”
“A challenge to single combat. You dare to challenge me to single combat,” Andy exclaimed to the hall around him. He stopped. He thought for a moment. “I accept. In one hour, you will be dead by my hand. I want to get my nastiest gear on to make you regret you ever asked… TAKE HIM AWAY!”
Joel was dragged out the hall and thrown back inside his cell. The giant gorilla man was asleep again. Thank god for that.
“What happened?” the mysterious man in the corner asked.
Joel, curious about the man replied, “I challenged him to single combat. I don’t have much time…”
“You stupid boy!” the man cried. “He is a Master of making people suffer. Have you not seen the films he shows? He’ll make one about you if you fail… and believe me… at the moment, you will fail.”
Joel looked to the floor, trying not to show his fear. “What can you do about it?” he mumbled.
For the first time, Joel heard a shuffle from the corner. The man was standing up. He slowly walked into the light. He was tall and lean, middle aged, but looked strong. A robe encased the man, looking slightly like a Jedi.
“Who are you?” asked Joel.
“My name is Martin Ducker,” the man replied, “Master Instructor of Kuk Sool Won.”
Joel stood there, looking puzzled. “Cook sul what?”
“Kuk Sool Won, Korean Martial Art. I can train you. I can help you. But you have to believe…” Martin continued. “Well?”
Joel stood there again, “Erm… not to be rude or anything, but you’ve not told me what to believe in yet…”
“Leprechauns! Tell me they’re real and I’ll help you!” Martin shouted.
Joel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Leprechauns. It was ridiculous. But this man may be able to help him… “Fine, Martin. Leprechauns are real!”
“NO!” screamed Martin to Joel. “You can’t just say it! Believe! BELIEVE IT!” By this point, the strange master was so close to Joel’s face that he could’ve bitten his nose… if he had wanted to that is.
“I believe. Leprechauns… are… real. Please, help me…” Joel replied.
Martin looked at him, he thought for a few moments. Eventually he spoke up, “Fine… let us begin…”
Martin threw off the cape surrounding him. Underneath he wore some Spongebob Squarepants pyjama bottoms, this would’ve been extremely homosexual if not for the fact that Martin has the best abs Joel had ever seen. His six pack looked like you could grate a full block of cheese on it. Simply fantastic. Joel, of course, was still wearing no trousers or pants. By this point though, he was beginning to forget about that.
“First thing you need to know about Kuk Sool Won,” said Martin to Joel “Is kicking… kick with your heels! Not your foot!”
Joel looked down at his feet. “Surely the heel is part of your foot?” he asked.
Martin slapped Joel around the head. It came as quite a shock to be honest.
“Don’t think! Do!” Martin said.
“Now you’re just quoting Yoda!” Joel exclaimed. He received another clap to the back of his head.
“There is no try! DO IT!” Martin screamed. The master kicked through the air, demonstrating. Joel gave up arguing, he tried to match the kick. It was harder than it looked.
Joel and Martin continued training for a while, but it was hard for Joel to concentrate when all he could think about was the impending wrath of Andy Small. What had he done?
TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 7 - GEOFFREY'S WRATH
No comments:
Post a Comment