BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 22 - Plans of War

CHAPTER 22 - PLANS OF WAR

Santa Blessed slowly walked over to the smoking crash ahead of her. Joel laid across the floor, his shirt mostly burned off, the rags of it smoking. He was now completely naked. He coughed heavily, not quite believing that he had just survived that crash. Parts of quad bike and go kart lay everywhere on fire.

Santa Blessed stood on Joel’s hand when she got to him. He winced in pain, but tried his best not to scream. He wasn’t going to give the ugly character the glory of that.

“Do you give up?” she said, in her deep booming Brian Blessed voice.

Joel thought about the consequences then replied, “I will never give up… you’ll have to kill me…”

Santa Blessed clearly considered this for a long while, but to Joel’s surprise, she just stood him up.

“I have this taste for death and destruction,” Santa Blessed told him, “And if I kill you now… I’ll miss out on all the fun… so, I will be merciful… you may go…”

She threw him forwards. A group of the dark elves caught him. The greasy, coal black hands wear all over him. It was disgusting. They smelled like a lump of puss soiling itself. Joel didn’t say anything at first.

“So… shall I look forward to seeing you soon?” Santa Blessed laughed.

Joel; defeated but still angry tried to lunge at her, but was held back.

“Oh… I like them when they’re feisty…” she replied.

Joel was completely constricted by the elves, he couldn’t do anything. Which was a shame, because Santa Blessed walked up and kissed him on the lips. Not just a small kiss though. A sensual, deep kiss. A kiss designed to torture someone by the thought of never having such a kiss again. The hairy face of Brian Blessed was intoxicating. He felt the bushy beard rubbing against his face, and the salty tongue slobbering on his teeth. She then pulled away. Joel was speechless.

“Take him away…” Santa Blessed said, still grinning.

Joel then had an idea, “Fight me!” he screamed out.

She turned round laughing. “Fight you? I just beat you… you cannot win Joel…”

“I don’t mean fight just me… fight me for Blessed-Topia. The Wastelands. The Land of Elves. All of it. Fight everyone that loves this land and wants it back for what it once was!”

Santa Blessed just looked at him, the smile finally wiped off her face. “You want… a war?”

Joel nodded. The grin then crept across her face again.

“It’s just what you like,” Joel continued, “You said it yourself. Death. Destruction. Where else can you find that if not a war?”

“Do you have an army to fight this said war?” she asked, clearly getting excited.

This was the one slight flaw in Joel’s plan. “Give me one week…” he pleaded. “I will get my army. And you will have your war…”

Santa Blessed started to walk towards him again. He was worried, and in a small… sick… way hoping that she may kiss him again, but she didn’t. She simply said a single sentence, “One week from now… at the Outer Field of the Wastelands… come at dawn… and you will fight, and you will die…”

She snapped her fingers. Before Joel could say anything more, he was dragged away by the greasy dwarves that were man handling him. They threw him back out the large door of the grotto and out into the Land of Elves. Joel looked around. It looked slightly different. It still wasn’t the nicest place in the world, but there were now torches lit and faint music in the air. What did that mean? Why could he see it slightly differently? He had no time to waste though, so he ran towards the great hall.

He burst in through the doors and grabbed the nearest elf. “Where is Joelfrakeus?” he shouted at the small man. Joel had startled the poor elf, who then ran off crying.

“What’s all this commotion out here?” a familiar voice said. Joel looked up. Just who he was looking for. The elf Prime Minister, Joelfrakeus.

“I need your help sir!” Joel gasped, running over to him.

Joelfrakeus didn’t say anything though. He was shocked. Joel was completely naked.

“What happened to you?” the Prime Minister asked.

“I found Santa Blessed. I didn’t win. I was defeated…” Joel replied.

The small elf put his hand on Joel’s shoulder. “I’m sorry to hear that… you could always try again soon…”

The elf Prime Minister started to walk off. Joel had to say something. How could he break this to them? “I did something…” he shouted out.

Joelfrakeus slowly turned on the spot and looked at him. “What did you do?”

“How many elves have you got here?” Joel asked.

Joelfrakeus definitely looked puzzled by now. “I don’t know… 500… give or take… why on Blessed-Topia do you ask this?”

That sentence gave Joel inspiration for how he could tell the Prime Minister. He stood tall and started talking. “You call this land Blessed-Topia, yet it wasn’t always this way… was it?”

Joelfrakeus shook his head, suddenly looking saddened. “We were once a greater kingdom, until the Blessed’s took over everything. They ravished our world and made it their own. We can’t do anything about it…”

“What was the world once called?” Joel asked.

The elf Prime Minister thought long and hard. “I don’t know…” he then said to Joel’s surprise. “It’s been hundreds of years… we elves live forever… I cannot remember its name. I do remember the grass though. Beautiful grass as far as the eye can see.”

“Take back your world!” Joel exclaimed suddenly.

“And how do you propose we do that?” Joelfrakeus replied.

This was it. The moment of truth. Joel took a deep breath, “I may… have accidentally… declared war on Santa Blessed…”

A nearby elf that was enjoying his dinner overheard this. He was so shocked that he accidentally swallowed the entire chicken leg that he was munching around. He choked, and died on the table. Tragic. No one noticed though, everyone in the Hall was staring at Joel.

“YOU DID WHAT?” Joelfrakeus screamed out. This was the first time Joel had actually felt threatened by an elf.

“I’m sorry. It was a spur of the moment thing. She said that if we are to meet on the Outer Field of the Wastelands in a week’s time to decide the fate of this world…”

Joelfrakeus didn’t say anything. He just stared.

“We do not have the elves to take on her army. Her dark elf army is far greater, and are much better fighters than we…”

Joel wasn’t going to give up though, “You can do this. I know you can. Think of those grasslands. Think of a world without Santa Blessed ruling it. You can reclaim this for you… do this with me…”

“What does my new friend, Little Bozling, have to say about this?” the elf Prime Minister asked, “And your half girl-half reindeer companion?”

Joel suddenly looked ashamed. “She is dead. She drowned in your Cavern of Wine…”

“OH MY!” Joelfrakeus shouted out, “I am so sorry! We were need to get plumbing sorted in that place. And what of Little Bozling?”

Joel looked to the floor, “I don’t know. We had an argument. I don’t know where we went…”

“What did you have an argument over?” Joelfrakeus calmly asked.

“He got angry. I said I didn’t like Christmas. I don’t believe in the spirit of it. It seems so false to me…”

Joelfrakeus gasped. “How can you not like this land? How do you see it?”

“It’s dark. Grimy. And no one looks friendly outside…” Joel replied.

“That’s because you are not understanding what makes the Land of Elves what it is. It’s about friendship. Love. Helping each other. If you do not see this, you will not see the true form of the Land…”

Joel paused before replying. “What do you expect me to do?”

The elf Prime Minister wondered for a while. “Do you miss your friend?” he asked.

“I do,” Joel said instantly. “I would give anything to have Little Bozling by my side again right now. I don’t feel as strong without him. Or Michaedeer. I just want them both back…”

For the first time, Joelfrakeus could see the true emotion on Joel’s face. He wasn’t lying. He turned to elf next to him. “Prepare for battle…”

Joel couldn’t believe it, “You mean it? You’ll do it?”

“I’m doing it for you Joel. You’ve started something in Blessed-Topia. Something that should not be wasted. You say we have one week, in that time we can have our army armed and ready. You, in turn, will receive training with a sword…”

The elf next to the Prime Minister leaned in and whispered to his ear, “My lord… we have nowhere near enough elves to win this battle… it is suicide…”

“We just need to hope that with Joel at our side, we will come out victorious. If not, the land will not change… but I would rather take action than stay like this forever. Living in fear. Do as I say! Start the preparations!” Joelfrakeus said to everyone.

Suddenly, Joel realised what he had done. Was he marching all that was good in Blessed-Topia to doom?

He tried not to think about it though, after all, they only had one week.

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 23 - THE BATTLE ON THE WASTELANDS