BLESSED-TOPIA : Chapter 23 - The Battle of the Wastelands

CHAPTER 23 - THE BATTLE OF THE WASTELANDS

One week passed. It was both the slowest, and the fastest week of Joel’s life. He dreaded it with every fibre of his body; he never wanted it to come. He didn’t feel he had enough training. The troops maybe weren’t ready, but he had no choice… and the most disappointing thing… still no sign of Little Bozling.

So, at dawn one week from when Joel had fought Santa Blessed, Joel along with the army of good elves marched through into the Outer Fields of the Wastelands. They weren’t going to back out. They needed to fight. They arrived in the barren wastelands as promised, just as the sun was beginning to rise.

It was empty though. No other army was there waiting for them. Where was Santa Blessed and her band of dark elves?

Joelfrakeus who was now in full armour, walked over to Joel… both of whom were standing at the front of the army. Joel had finally been given some clothes. They couldn’t get any armour though, so they just found some basic human clothes to dress him. The entire elf army behind them wore silver armour, but still kept their green elf hats on. Quite a strange sight.

“Where are they?” the elf Prime Minister.

Joel looked around, seeing if he could see anything on the horizon. Nothing though. “I don’t know, sir…” he replied.

They waited. It was only about an hour, but it felt much longer. They were starting to think the entire thing was false. Then, they heard galloping. Ahead of them, they saw Santa Blessed riding towards them on a horse.

“She’s here…” Joel said to himself. Half pleased, and half saddened.

She stopped next to Joel and Joelfrakeus. “Lovely day…” she said, calmly… looking around the dead landscape. She then looked at the army of good elves, not more than 500. “Nice troops…” she continued sarcastically.

“We have come to rid this land of you!” Joelfrakeus suddenly said, “We have come to claim back what was once rightfully ours!”

She simply laughed again. Joel hated the way she simply giggled at anything they said, whether it be good or bad.

“I bet you do…” she replied, “Shame you’re going to fail!”

Joel looked at her. She was wearing no armour, still the same sexy Santa costume, and still with that hideous Brian Blessed head.

“We will not fail! You are going to die!” Joel shouted at her.

She started to laugh again. Her cackle got louder and louder until it echoed around the wastelands surrounding them. Suddenly, the laugh stopped and she looked at them. Deadly serious for the first time. The eyes of Brian Blessed stared directly into Joel’s.

“Kill them…” she said, very calmly.

All of a sudden, all hell broke loose. The dark elves had been hiding; they all quickly ran out from behind the good elf army. Joelfrakeus turned quickly when he heard the commotion.

“AMBUSH! IT’S AN AMBUSH!” he screamed out, “TROOPS! TURN AROUND! KILL THEM!”

Joel turned to the battle as well, but could still hear Santa Blessed’s laugh in his ear. When he turned round to face her, she was gone again.

“Let’s go!” Joelfrakeus shouted to Joel.

The two of them started to run through the battle. It was chaos. Their army of good elves was being smashed around by the dark elf army. They wore spiked, black armour. It was like something Joel had seen out of a film, but he was there. This was real.

“DIE!” he heard from his side. He ducked. An evil elf wielding a large battle axe jumped from the left. It missed him. Drawing his sword for the first time, Joel swung. It sliced the elf’s head off. Purple blood spewed out. It wasn’t like normal blood though, it didn’t just drip out… this sprayed directly out at Joel’s face. It was like a pressure hose of thick, purple goo. Some got into his mouth, it was disgusting. It tasted like… well… poo!

“Don’t let them get too close to you!” he heard a random elf shout out.

Joel wiped the blood from his face, “Thanks for the tip…” he said sarcastically. But he didn’t have time for jokes, another evil elf swung at him. With a quick slash Joel took him out too. More blood sprayed over Joel. This was going to be a messy battle.

Meanwhile, across the battlefield, Joelfrakeus was having more problems. Joel was a few feet higher than all the elves so he didn’t struggle too much… but he was right there in the thick of the battle. His sword clashed with a dark elf that lunged at him. He leaned forward and smashed the nasty creature in the face with his metal glove knocking him to the floor… he then spun his sword around and plunged it into its heart. It squealed and died. But before he could celebrate this two more came towards him. It was chaos.

The good elves were severely outnumbered. There were 500 of them at the start, but that number was rapidly dropping. Joel was no mathematician, but he guessed there were over a thousand dark elves fighting, and they were coming from all directions. They’d obviously been practiced at war before.

Joel was now swinging his sword around like crazy. This wasn’t too hard. No dark elves could get near him, he was too big. Was this all Santa Blessed had?

Joelfrakeus had to disagree though. He was exhausted. He considered himself to be skilled with a blade, but these dark elves were just monsters. No style. No rules of engagement. They were all just mindless killing machines.

A dark elf, that he thought to be dead suddenly grabbed his leg. He thrust his sword down to chop its head off. He did so, but was pulled to the floor in the process.

Suddenly, across the battlefield to Joel’s surprise. A dark elf jumped onto his back. He couldn’t shake it. The nasty slimy creature held on with tight arms around Joel’s throat. It started to choke him. Running out of breath, Joel dropped his sword. He swung his body from side to side trying to get it off. It was proving unsuccessful though.

At that point, he then heard a slash, and the feeling of blood splashing across his back. The dead carcass dropped off him. Joel turned around. Little Bozling. It was Little Bozling. Standing there in full elf armour.

“You really do need me to watch your back, don’t you?” Little Bozling laughed.

“LITTLE BOZLING!” Joel cried, “IT’S REALLY YOU!” He picked the small elf up and hugged him.

The small elf grinned, but this was not the ideal place for a reunion. A dark elf jumped from the side, knocking them both over. Joel rolled over and squashed it.

“How did you find me?” Joel asked.

“You’re the only six foot person in this battle,” the small elf joked, “it’s not that hard to locate you! But anyway… We need to find the Prime Minister!”

“Let’s go…” Joel agreed. He picked up his small friend and started to run through the battlefield. It wasn’t easy. The place was chaotic. Arrows and swords constantly brushed past Joel’s face. Purple blood stained the ground. It was at this point when Joel finally realised how the battle was going.

They were losing badly. He could see far more good elves than dark elves on the floor, dead.

“It’s horrible!” he heard Little Bozling say. He didn’t reply though. He couldn’t. He didn’t know what to say.

“There he is!” Joel then shouted, pointing forwards. He let Little Bozling go, who then ran through the hectic battle. The smallest elf drew his small sword and slashed through the three dark elves that were on top of Joelfrakeus. He then helped the Prime Minister get up.

“LITTLE BOZLING! Thank you! It’s so good to see you!” Joelfrakeus said. He then gave the small elf a hug. Little Bozling didn’t realise everyone had missed him so much.

“How is the battle going sir?” Little Bozling asked.

“Not well I’m afraid… we will not live through this, at this rate anyway…” the Prime Minister asked.

“What can I do to help?” Joel asked, killing a few dark elves in the process.

“We need to find Santa Blessed!” Joelfrakeus replied, “If she is defeated… we have the advantage…”

Joel looked around, he couldn’t see her. She was roughly the same size as him though, and would be easy to spot.

“She’s nowhere…” Little Bozling said, stabbing a dark elf through the face.

“For now, we keep fighting… we will not give up…” Joelfrakeus replied, stepping on a crawling dark elf’s face, exploding their head.

So they did. The three of them fought with all their might. They stayed together as a tripod; in this single unit they could face the enemy from all directions.

It wasn’t going well for the rest of the army though. They were still being slaughtered. The dark elf army was too brutal, and there were too many. There was only so much the good elves could do.

Joel, Little Bozling and the Prime Minister suddenly stopped. They all turned slowly to the East. They had heard a horn.

“What was that?” Joel asked.

Neither replied though, “No… she wouldn’t…” Joelfrakeus said to himself, “It’s not fair…”

Joel suddenly realised who it was. Coming over the hill were… tall people. They weren’t elves. They looked like people.

“Oh my god…” Little Bozling cried, “It’s the celebrities!”

It was. Santa Blessed in a nasty, last minute move had called upon the efforts of Celebrity Land. A nasty and mean bunch of people. Pure scum all of them. Exactly what the evil with craved. She appeared at the front of them, laughing once more.

“THEY DON’T LIKE YOUR WORK!” she screamed to them, “YOU DON’T LIKE THEM! KILL THEM! DESTROY THEM! CHAAAAARGE!”

She’d really stirred them up at that point. They all began to charge. The good elves couldn’t do anything. They couldn’t run… they were still fighting the dark elves… but there was no way that could stand up against that army too.

Joel watched in horror next to Little Bozling and the Prime Minister as the celebrities clashed with the huge battle. Joel heard the familiar laugh of King George Takei, “AHAHAHAHA!” as he plunged into the conflict.

The tall celebrities were so tall that they just ran the good elves down. Joel had to do something. He started to run towards them.

“JOEL! DON’T! IT’S SUICIDE!” Little Bozling cried out, but it was too late. He couldn’t hear them.

Joel reached the new conflict on the Wastelands. If he thought the battle was bad before, now it was even worse. Nasty looking celebrities beat up, stabbed and shot the good elves around them. He watched as The Dark Knight gang violated a male elf.

“STOP THAT!” he cried out, running towards them.

They all turned and looked up at him.

“Get out of it!” Christian Bale shouted at Joel. Michael Caine stood behind him laughing. Gary Oldman was the one doing the violating while Aaron Eckhart held the poor elf down. Christian Bale held a small pocket knife towards Joel. “I WARN YA! I’LL HURT YOU LIKE I DID MY MUM!” the actor screamed. He was wearing no shirt, blatantly just to show off his stunning muscles.

Joel wasn’t scared though, he felt fearless. He had to help. In any way that he could. He ran forward and stuck his sword straight through Christian Bale’s chest, with a smile on his face. He then pulled it out, and cut his head off with his sword. The celebrity’s head rolled to his feet. Seeing this, the Dark Knight gang all ran off, screaming like girls.

Joel helped the small elf up, pulling up his trousers. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“LOOK OUT!” the small elf cried. He jumped in front of Joel. A dark elf that was sneaking up on him stabbed the good elf directly through the chest.

“NO!” Joel screamed, slicing the dark elf’s head off… blood spraying all over him.

This was ridiculous. There was no way he could win. Santa Blessed was evil; there was no agreement that she would have more than one army. She… cheated…

Across the battlefield, Little Bozling and Joelfrakeus were still fighting side by side. They chopped up dark elves all around them. They were getting tougher though, and the wave of celebrities was drawing towards them.

“What do we do?” Little Bozling asked. The elf Prime Minister didn’t have an answer though. It was at this point, when the worse that could possibly happen… did.

Santa Blessed appeared next to them. “Evening… Prime Minister…” she said, with a grin across her face. Little Bozling ran at her, she grabbed him though and threw him. He flew through the air and landed feet away in the middle of the battle. Santa Blessed walked around Joelfrakeus.

“You are going to die… you’re people have failed…” she taunted. He didn’t reply though, he charged at her. His sword pointed forward. She ran to the side, dodging his blade. She then swiped at his back. It was a hit. Blood started to stream down his armour. It didn’t stop him though. He turned and swung at her. She dodged him with ease though, kicking his sword out of his hand to the floor.

Little Bozling clambered up from the bloody ground and started to weave through the fierce battle. “I’M COMING SIR!” he shouted. He burst through and found her. She was holding the elf Prime Minister up by his hair.

“NO!” Little Bozling cried out, helpless against doing anything.

Joelfrakeus wouldn’t go out this easily though, “Is that all you’ve got?” he screamed, spitting in her face.

She simply laughed though. “All of it? Well of course not…” she wiped the bloody spit from her eye, “There’s more to come…”

Joel was still fighting off celebrities. He slashed around killing some of his comedians. He had a very difficult time killing Jim Carrey… who just kept doing exaggerated death scenes rather than literally dying. He managed it eventually though by slicing off every limb from the flexible actor’s body. He then looked across. In the middle of the battle, he could see Santa Blessed holding Joelfrakeus. No! That couldn’t happen!

Joel started to run back through the battle, chopping celebrities and dark elves as he went. Suddenly, he was taken out from the side. It was George Takei. “AHAHAHAHA!” the actor screamed out, looking slightly rabid.

“GET OFF ME!” Joel screamed, but the Chinese actor kept just trying to kiss him, not leaving him be. Joel couldn’t get him off.

“OHHH MYYY!” King George Takei suddenly screamed out. Joel looked; a blade had been put through the actor’s chest. He rolled off Joel, his laugh slowly dying, “AHAHAHA AHA AHA AH A AH A…”

Joel looked up, it was Martin Ducker. The Kuk Sool instructor that had saved him in Castle W02!

“I thought you were dead!” Joel screamed out in pleasure.

“You can’t kill me that easily…” Martin said, helping Joel up.

They both looked at Santa Blessed who was now holding a blade next to the elf Prime Minister’s face.

“Let’s go…” Martin said. The two of them started to run.

Little Bozling had dropped to his knees, “Let him go…” he pleaded to the evil ruler. She was just laughing though.

“I’m not scared of you!” Joelfrakeus shouted.

She licked his face. Brian Blessed’s beard rubbed across his own. “You will be…” she said. Then without hesitation, she dropped him. The elf Prime Minister dropped to his knees. Then with his own sword, she cut his head in half. She didn’t cut his head off… she literally just cut it in half. The top half, from the nose slowly slid off the bottom half to the floor. The dead former elf Leader collapsed to the ground. Dead.

“NOOOO!” Little Bozling screamed out.

Unfortunately, Joel had just reached them in time to see this happen. He couldn’t believe what she had just done. It was despicable. It was sick. She had to die.

“SANTA BLESSED!” he screamed.

She looked up, wiping Joelfrakeus’s blood off her face. “Ah… dear Joel… having fun are we?” she asked.

He drew his sword. “It ends now…” he said.

“No my dear… it’s only just beginning…” she replied.

In the distance, a low rumbling of footsteps started. Everyone looked around. Surely she hadn’t got him as well?

TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 24 - THE FATE OF BLESSED-TOPIA