Joel slowly opened his eyes. He looked around. All around him was complete white. His eyes were still slightly blurred from whatever just happened. He then managed to focus a little more on the floor. It was snow. All around him was snow. It looked like he was in some form of Winter Wonderland. Like in some movie. It was at this point when he realised how unbelievably cold he was. Wearing no trousers or pants was a bad idea he then realised. He had to find some somewhere! But where was he?
Now of course, from this point on, details will be more sketchy, no one knows the absolute true account of what happened inside Brian Blessed’s beard to Joel, but this story is pretty much true.
Joel stood up. He looked around at pure snow everywhere. Not a person in sight. Just white. “Hello!” he called out. But there was no reply. He looked backwards, it was all the same. He looked up, it was all the same. How had he got here? Surely Brian Blessed’s beard wasn’t this big? He began to walk forward. His feet froze underneath him with every step he took. Shivers ran up and down his body. “Hello!” he called out again, but only wind greeted him back. It was a horrible gust of wet snow that stung his cheeks, both kinds of cheeks.
He continued his journey forward. After what seemed like an hour, he was still in the middle of nowhere. By this point his entire body was covered in goosebumps. The hair covering his body was all stood on end. He looked left… a tree. He looked right… a rock. He looked left again… a bush. Wait! A bush? That was a tree a moment ago! What was going on? “SOMEONE HELP ME!” shouted Joel.
It was at this point where our second character comes into the story. Little Bozling was always known as the smallest of the elves. He was 204 years old, but still the size of a 3 year old elf! Barely reaching two feet! Also, unfortunately, he had not even yet entered puberty. Something was surely wrong, but let’s not talk about that. While the other elves used to make toys and gifts for children, all Little Bozling ever wanted to do was play Red Alert 3 on his Xbox 360, a violent video game that wasn’t allowed in the Land of Elves. Poor Little Bozling was banished from the Land of Elves for being so small and strange, and now lived a life of solitude in the middle of nowhere, and this is how he met Joel…
Joel at this point was crying his eyes out. His willy had actually frozen solid. He tried to cry out tears, but they just froze and dropped onto the snow like stones. He looked up one more time, losing all hope of ever getting out. It was then that he saw a red and green figure run past the bush to his left.
“Hello?” called Joel, “Please! Help me!” Nothing happened though. Joel tried to call out again but it was no use. He passed out.
When he awoke again, he felt warm. He could feel no snow. Actually, he was really hot. REALLY hot! He looked down. His pubic hair was on fire. Joel screamed. He tried to tap it out with his hand, but that just burnt his fingers. Joel quickly stood up and banged his head, he didn’t think about that though, he just ran out of a passage in front of him. He was back in the snow. This time though he jumped belly first into it. The snow felt amazing against his simmering groin. He looked back; he had been in a small hut. It can’t have been more than four feet tall. It looked hand built, not professional at all.
“Hello?” he called again, getting tired of this single word phrase by this point.
A little head poked out the door of the hut. Whatever it was had the most amazing hair Joel had ever seen. It was so blonde and fluffy. It flowed like silk off the crown of the head. It looked golden and even glowed a little. Joel tried to take his focus off the hair though. He looked at the person. They can’t have been more than two feet tall. He had rosy red cheeks, and quite an attractive body.
“Hello? Who are you?” Joel asked.
The little man walked out. He stumbled over to Joel, looking scared. “My name is Little Bozling,” the small figure said.
“Hello Little Bozling,” just said, puzzled at the situation. “And what are you?”
“Me… I’m an elf. I dragged you here. This is my home. You looked so cold. So I thought I’d start a fire. Problem is that I had no firewood!” said Little Bozling back to Joel.
Joel was honestly quite furious with the elf for setting alight to his pubic hair, but didn’t want to say anything as the small creature had indeed saved him. Little Bozling signalled for Joel to come back inside, so he did. They both sat in the small hut looked at each other. The situation did quickly become quite awkward.
“So…” Joel embarrassingly said. “Many other elves around here?” The elf just stared at him for a long time. Suddenly Little Bozling started to cry. Joel didn’t know what to do. “Oh no! Sorry! I didn’t mean to…”
“No! It’s okay! I’m banished. I’m the smallest elf! I’m a freak! If it wasn’t for my magnificent hair and strong buttocks I probably would have given life up by now!” Little Bozling cried through his tears.
“Oh… well, there’s lots of reasons to live… like… Salt and Vinegar nuts!” Joel smiled at him.
Little Bozling looked puzzled, “What are Salt and Vinegar nuts?” he asked.
“You what? You don’t? Oh god! What kind of place am I in?” Joel shouted.
“This is Brian Blessed’s beard, also known as Blessed-topia. The land of Christmas,” Little Bozling replied.
“CHRISTMAS! NO!” screamed Joel. He stood up, throwing his arms up in the air. He was in such a rage that he forget his own size. The small hut shattered as Joel flung his arms around wildly. Splinters of wood came crashing down onto Little Bozling.
“NO! What have you done?” screamed Little Bozling, beginning again to sob.
“I’m sorry… I just hate Christmas! It’s such a waste of time! What’s the point?” Joel yelled at him back. Joel at this point suddenly realised what he had done. The carnage around him looked dreadful. “Oh my! Your house! I’m so sorry! What can I do?”
“I don’t know what we can do! I’ve no wood left! I can’t rebuild it! Oh what’s the point!” cried Little Bozling. At this point he was pretty much hysterical. He then looked up at Joel. “I’ve got it!”
“You’ve got what? Crabs?” Joel laughed at his own joke.
“There are no crabs round here, no sea for miles! No, what I meant was I know what we can do!” Little Bozling replied.
“What? What do we do?” Joel asked.
“We need to head North! There’s a cave up there! We can shelter in there for now!” The two of them were talking so fiercely about what to do that they had not seen the huge cloud growing above their head. They both suddenly realised when the first gust of freezing cold snow hit their bodies. At this point I’d like to remind readers that Joel was in fact still half naked.
“Oh no! A storm is coming! We need to go now!” shouted Little Bozling.
He began to run forward into the distance. “Hey wait!” Joel cried, running after him. They ran for what seemed like ages. The storm was really kicking up now. Snow beat against their faces. Little Bozling was lucky enough to be small and agile and get through it easily. Unfortunately Joel wasn’t so lucky, and was even considering setting his pubic hair on fire again.
“There it is!” shouted Little Bozling.
True enough, ahead of them was a cave. It looked less than a mile anyway. Joel’s heart beat against his chest though. He’d never felt so exhausted. And the cold just made it worse. A huge clump of snow fell off a tree that he was passing and hit on the top of the head. The force of it knocked him to the ground. More snow then dropped off the branches on top of Joel, he was covered, and his body was so cold that he couldn’t move. “Help!” he cried at Little Bozling.
The small elf looked back to Joel lying in the snow, and then forward again towards the cave. He had no choice. He ran over to Joel. “Wait just a second!” he shouted at Joel, struggling to get his small voice over the sound of the wind. Little Bozling grabbed Joel’s hand and tugged. It was no good, Joel was quite deeply buried. What could he do? “I have an idea!” the small elf cried. He dropped his trousers too.
“What the hell are you doing?” screamed Joel.
“Saving your butt!” Little Bozling shouted back. The small elf began to urinate. Joel screamed in horror. The elf’s urine covered Joel’s back slowly melting away the snow.
“Stop that!” yelled Joel.
Little Bozling didn’t hear what Joel said too well so he leaned in saying, “Pardon?” As his concentrate broke though the urine flow accidentally went all over Joel’s head, some even going in his mouth. Joel shouted out in anger. He burst out the snow.
“YOU!” he cried running at the elf. Little Bozling began to run towards the cave again. Joel followed. Before Joel knew it they were inside. The cave was slightly warmer, but not by much. Joel collapsed onto the floor, exhausted and freezing. “I’m so cold” he whimpered.
Little Bozling sat down next to him. “I don’t know what we can burn to stay warm…” he replied gently. They both then looked down to Joel’s pubic hair again. What if…
That’s when they heard it. A horrible gargle. A scream unlike Joel had ever heard. It was coming from the cave. And it was coming straight at them.
TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 3 : MICHAEDEER
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