CHAPTER 16 - THE MADNESS OF KING GEORGE
The three were thrown to the floor. Joel slowly looked upwards. He knew who that was. Sitting upon the grand throne, wearing a golden crown… was George Takei.
He did his stupid laugh, “AHA AHA AHA…” then began to speak, “Boys… smooth boys… what brings you to Celebrity Land?”
Joel got to his feet, “King George…” he pleaded, “We are just travellers. We have been through much today, and wish to pass through your land, into the next realm…”
But Joel was interrupted, “My dear boy… AHA AHA AHA… I cannot simply let you go that easily… you must face me in Single Combat…”
“NO!” Joel shouted, “I’ve already done that once today! I’ve already killed King Andy Small of the Waste-Lands… I don’t need more blood on my hands today!”
King George Takei looked at Joel, thinking. “You killed King Andy Small?”
Michaedeer and Little Bozling both nodded.
“Very well… it seems I must come up with a new solution… AHA AHA AHA!”
“Can’t we just pass through?” asked Little Bozling.
George Takei looked at him, then looked to his loyal guard… who appeared to Daniel Craig. George clapped once. Daniel Craig stepped forwards, punched Little Bozling in the stomach once then stood back next to the King.
“Please… don’t speak when you are not spoken to…” said George to the small, now winded elf.
Joel and Michaedeer decided not to say anything to that. Daniel Craig looked very mean, and very tough. He was stood there only in his blue Speedo’s… it was rather embarrassing for everyone in the hall. But the former James Bond actor didn’t seem to mind, he just stood there groaning erotically, rubbing his abs.
“Now… what shall we do?” George said to himself. It was at this point that Daniel Craig bent down and whispered something into George’s ear. George giggled with glee. “OH! AHA! EXCELLENT! YES!”
He then turned to them all, “My sexy and useful assistant has informed me of what to do with you all. You will each be split up. Each of you will then receive a single challenge. If you pass, you will gain passage through my Land. If not, you will be here forever…”
Michaedeer gulped. Joel soiled himself. Little Bozling wee’d a little.
“Are we clear on this?” the King asked.
All of them nodded, knowing there was no way out of this.
“Excellent…” the King clicked his fingers, “You are first!” He pointed at Little Bozling.
The small elf walked on, escorted by Daniel Craig. The other two watched as he disappeared from their sights.
“What am I to do?” Little Bozling asked the muscular man.
“You get to face the fatties…” before even finishing his sentence, Daniel Craig pushed Little Bozling through a door. Little Bozling heard it lock behind him. He looked on. He appeared to be in a massive arena. It looked like something out of gladiator.
“RELEASE THE FATTIES!” he heard Daniel Craig cry out.
There were three doors around him. He looked to his right first. Jack Black walked out. Out of the left door came that guy that plays Hurley from Lost. And out of the final door in front of him, Richard Griffiths stepped out. All three fatties were only wearing a leather thong. The sight was enough to make anyone sick. Fat and sweat were dripping out from their armpits and underneath their man boobs.
“Why does everyone try to eat me?” Little Bozling said to himself as the fat celebrities began to walk towards him.
Back in the throne room, George had pointed next at Michaedeer. She reluctantly agreed and followed the recently returned Daniel Craig to her challenge. She too was pushed inside a room. This one however was pitch black.
“Hello?” she said. There was no reply though. She heard shuffling. Suddenly she glanced behind her, there were some white teeth. Then she saw some eyes. Then more. There were lots of people in here.
“GET THIS REINDEER OUT OF MY ROOM!” a cry came. It was clearly Samuel L Jackson.
Daniel Craig returned once more to the throne room.
“JUST YOU NOW MY BOY! AHA AHA! TAKE HIM TO THE HAPPY ROOM!”
Happy Room? That didn’t sound too bad, well, so he thought. He followed the sexy James Bond star.
“What can I expect in this place?” asked Joel, there was no reply though. Daniel Craig just grabbed him and threw him into the third and final room. All around Joel was… happiness. Rainbows, bright colours, singing… it was like a horror movie… made by the CBBC team!
Meanwhile, Little Bozling was running around in utter panic. Hurley from Lost had taken the first lunge at him.
“LET ME GO!” screamed Little Bozling, running for his life.
“BABY!” Richard Griffiths cried, in a strangely Scottish accent. It was quite a sight, three fat guys in leather thongs chasing around a tiny elf. As much as he tried, Little Bozling was running out of breath. The fatties behind him seemed to be fine though. He watched in horror as Richard Griffiths pulled an entire roast chicken out from a fat flap round his stomach. He then consumed it in one single bite. This gave the fat actor even more energy… what could Little Bozling do?
In the pitch black room, Michaedeer was ready to attack. Her antlers were poking out. By this point she had realised that every actor in the room with her was black, making them harder to see.
“DIE BIATCH!” she heard a squeaky voice say, it sounded a little like Chris Rock, but she couldn’t be sure. She felt a knife brush across her back, and kicked her hooves back, hitting someone. But there were people coming in all directions.
In Joel’s room, he was nearly breaking down. He had never been anywhere so… gay! Out from the blue sky and clouds surrounding him came a variety of cartoon characters. How can cartoon characters come to life like this? These were no nice ones though, they had been made rabid. He ducked as Bugs Bunny, who was violently foaming at the mouth took a lunge at him. The rabbit landed next to him, without thinking Joel snapped its neck. He had to survive.
Little Bozling tried to scramble up one of the walls surrounding the arena. It was no good though, it was too slippery. He was cornered. He could hear Jack Black in his ear freestyle rocking out. He could hear Hurley licking his legs, and he could hear Richard Griffiths breathing as loud as a blue whale.
Michaedeer was on the floor. Black actors had piled on top of her to bring her down. Morgan Freeman was licking her ear. Eddie Murphy was tickling her tail.
“Why are you doing this?” she cried out.
“Why aren’t we doing this?” Morgan Freeman replied back to her.
Joel was now facing cartoon characters from every direction. Mickey Mouse had been humping his leg, but Joel had managed to thrust the horny Disney character off then stomp onto his head. He hadn’t realised that when fighting Donald and Daffy Duck (who had teamed up to try to eat him) that he was heading towards the water. Next thing he realised, his leg was grabbed and he was pulled into the bright blue water.
Little Bozling suddenly had an idea. He took a chance. It may have been the only way. He saw a leg of lamb sticking out of Hurley’s armpit. The small elf ran forward. He jumped up, avoiding the biting teeth of Jack Black. He pulled the leg of lamb out and held it in front of them. He waved it about, they were all drawn to it, like a moth to the flame.
Michaedeer had to get out. With all her strength, she thrust herself forwards. She felt her antlers spear someone.
“DAMN!” a voice came. Sounded like Will Smith. Who cared right now though? She needed to get out of here! She stood up, struggling to get the actors off her. She then used to speared Will Smith as a battering ram to fend off more of the actors.
Joel couldn’t swim very well, and this was not a good thing. The Little Mermaid had pulled him under the sea. Sebastian the crab pinched at his nose, while her trusty fish companion Flounder tried to nuzzle his way between Joel’s buttocks. Not looking at what he was doing, Joel flailed his arms about. He hadn’t realised that he had ripped Arial’s seashell bikini off. All the creatures of the sea dropped Joel looking in awe at the fantastic chest of the mermaid. Joel began to swim to the surface.
Little Bozling’s plan came into effect. All three of the fatties lunged at the leg of lamb in his hand. Due to their close proximity, they all hit each other in mid air. All of them landed in a huge pile on the floor, on top of each other. This wasn’t enough though. The small elf ran forwards and thrust the leg of lamb underneath them, it got lost in the rolls of fat. He wasn’t even sure who’s though.
“LAMB!” Richard Griffiths cried out. He then sat back at watched as the three fat actors ate each other. Jack Black ate some of Hurley’s foot. Richard Griffith’s ate some of Jack Black’s hair. Hurley ate some of Richard Griffith’s nose. Not before too long, the fat actors had consumed each other. A pile of bones lay on the floor in front of him. He grinned.
Little did he see though, a hand come out from behind him and pull him backwards.
Michaedeer was now in a corner. The dead Will Smith dangling from her antler. This was it.
“CHARGE!” she screamed.
She ran forwards, pushing as hard as she could. She still couldn’t see anything, she just heard squeaks and screams.
“AWWW HELL NO!” one person screamed.
Not before too long, she had reached the other side of the room. The lights then turned on. She gasped. The place was a massacre. Dead black actors lay everywhere. Not only was Will Smith on the antlers, but Ice Cube was too… and Cuba Gooding Jr.
A hand then grabbed her as well, and yanked her backwards. The force pulled the dead carcasses off her horns.
Joel breathed in the fresh air as he burst out the water. He looked below to see Arial, The Little Mermaid, being swarmed by creatures in every direction. Even land creatures were diving in to see what she looked like. This gave him his chance. He crawled out the sea and headed back for the door. It wasn’t the end though. Baloo, the giant bear from Jungle Book jumped in front of him, roaring. Blood dripped from his teeth, and his breath was simply ghastly.
Joel was having none of it though. “BARE NECESSITIES THIS!” Joel grabbed the large grey bear’s genitalia. With a large pull, he yanked it straight off. The creature rolled around in pain on the floor. Joel kept walked forwards though, not looking back, wiping the blood from his hands.
A hand then pulled him out the room. It was Daniel Craig.
“Come with me…” the muscular actor said. Joel did so. He followed him all the way back to the throne room. To his delight, Michaedeer and Little Bozling were there too!
“JOEL!” Little Bozling screamed in joy, “I DID IT! I DEFEATED THE FATTIES!”
“And I killed all the black actors!” Michaedeer cried out too. Joel just looked at them. He couldn’t help but just smile. Then he heard a deep booming laugh.
“AHA AHA AHA! VERY GOOD!” King George Takei said to them all.
Joel walked over to him. “We each did our tasks… may we please pass through your Kingdom?”
George Takei just kept laughing though, “My dear boy… I am no King… just a slightly mad actor…”
Joel looked furious. “YOU MEAN ALL THAT WAS FOR NOTHING?”
“Nothing? AHA AHA AHA! No way! It sure was fun! You may pass!”
For a while, Joel considered what he could do to the so called King. He could punch him. He could maybe rip his genitalia off too… but before he could decide, a small arm touched his hand.
It was Little Bozling. “Come on Joel… let’s go…”
Joel agreed, probably the best course of action.
“Just ahead is the gate to the Land of Elves! Good luck there!” George shouted after them.
Up until the point where they exited the building, all they could hear was the monotonous “AHA AHA AHA”.
Joel was proud, they had done it again. Michaedeer was pleased that wine may be through the next gate. Little Bozling was scared though. After all… he had been banished from The Land of Elves…
TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 17 - THE LAND OF ELVES
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