CHAPTER 11 - THE PLAN
“So what do we do now?” Joel said the other two that walked beside him. They had set off shortly after realising there was nothing else they could do. Castle W02 was in ruins. Martin was nowhere to be seen. Surely he wasn’t dead? He can’t be.
The other two carried on walking. Joel repeated himself, “Guys… what do we do now?”
“Well… where do you want to go?” asked Little Bozling.
“Where? I want to go home of course!” Joel snapped back at him. He instantly realised that he had upset the little elf. “I’m sorry,” said Joel, “I just… need to get back… this place is not for me!”
“What’s wrong with Blessed-Topia?” Michaedeer questioned.
“It’s just not like my world at all…”
Before Joel had a chance to finish his sentence, Little Bozling cut in with “What’s different about this world?”
“There are no elves here. There are no half girl, half reindeer. Everyone is normal. Human. I don’t belong here!” Joel said back to him.
“Only humans…” Michaedeer mumbled, “Sounds boring to me… no variety!”
Joel looked at her, slightly annoyed with the lack of help that they were both showing, “Well… I’m sorry you don’t like it… but I do… now how do I get out of here?”
The wastelands stretched out far in front of them. Plains of snow as far as they eye could see. Joel sighed looking at it.
“There’s no way out…” Michaedeer said.
Joel sighed yet again. He was still wearing no trousers, but had given up hoping for some at this point.
“…unless…” Little Bozling suddenly said.
Joel looked at him quickly. “Unless what? What? Is there a way?” He hadn’t realised he was shaking the elf quite violently in his realisation.
“OW! Put me down!” Little Bozling cried. “Look! I may know a way…”
“You’re not gonna say what I think you are, are you?” Michaedeer sniggered at him.
Little Bozling looked at her, scowled a little, then turned back to Joel. “I heard a rumour once… that if you defeat the ruler of Blessed-Topia, you will be granted one wish… maybe… maybe you could wish to go back home!”
Michaedeer was laughing, “Just like I thought… its crazy talk!”
Little Bozling scowled at her again, “It may be crazy talk… but it may be true! How will you ever know if you don’t try?”
“It’s not just a simple case of defeating the ruler of Blessed-Topia, you’ve gotta get there first. Walk for days, across the barren wastelands, which we are currently lost in. Then you must pass Celebrity Land; eventually get through the Land of Elves until you enter his homeland… Christmas City…” Michaedeer continued.
Joel suddenly had a realisation. He knew it. How had he not guessed it before? Christmas Land. He was sent here for his hate of Christmas, of course this would be his test to escape.
“Let me guess who this leader is…” Joel said to them, “Santa, by any chance?”
Little Bozling gasped and gaped at him, “Wow! That’s incredible! How did you know that?”
“Just a hunch,” Joel laughed, still walking along. “So you’re telling me I have to defeat Santa Claus to get back home?”
“Who the hell is Santa Claus?” Michaedeer asked out of the blue. “We don’t know of any Santa CLAUS…”
“Who are you talking about them?” Joel said, trying to stay patient with them.
“The leader of Blessed-Topia is of course… Santa Blessed!” she replied to him.
Joel stopped; he had to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. “You’re telling me that I have to defeat Santa… who is also Brian Blessed?”
He continued to laugh; this day was going on way too long, he was starting to lose it by now.
“Well, I don’t know of any BRIAN Blessed,” Little Bozling said, “But Santa Blessed is indeed the ruler of this land…”
Joel started walking again, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. “Well then… how do I get to this Christmas City to find Santa Blessed?”
“Like I said before,” Michaedeer snapped at him, annoyed at having to repeat herself, “First we need to cross the wastelands into Celebrity Land!”
Joel started laughing again. Celebrity Land? That sounded REALLY scary! In a completely sarcastic way of course. He then noticed that Little Bozling had stopped, along with Michaedeer just behind him.
“What’s going on?” Joel asked.
“It’s no good,” she said, “We are completely lost! How are we ever going to get out this place?”
Then, in the distance, they heard a loud rumble.
Now, for readers of a nervous disposition, stop reading now, as the story does become truly quite grotesque from this point on. It can be pretty scary, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The rumble came again. Where was it coming from? A fearsome snow storm crowded all around them, they couldn’t see anything except white. Another rumble. Whatever it was, it was getting closer. Boom. Another one. Joel then realised that they almost sounded like… footsteps!
“RUN!” Little Bozling cried out.
All of them began to the run to the side. They couldn’t tell whether to go forwards or backwards or anywhere. Where was this noise coming from?
“WHAT IS IT?” screamed Joel.
“A monstrous creature of the wastelands! Just keep running!” Little Bozling yelled back at him.
Michaedeer then tripped over. Joel skidded to a stop. “WE’VE GOTTA HELP HER!” he shouted out. Little Bozling hesitated for a moment, and then ran backwards too.
The huge footsteps were getting louder and louder. Michaedeer had hurt her knee. She was struggling to get up.
“COME ON! PLEASE!” Little Bozling cried.
“I’m trying all I can!” she yelled back at him.
Suddenly the rumbling stopped. Joel could now hear heavy breathing. Drool dripped onto his shoulder. Disgusting, thick and yellow it was. Just like his poo was sometimes.
“Little Bozling… what is this creature?” Joel whimpered as he looked up at the mighty shadow.
The poor elf was too scared though, he tried to speak, but no words came out.
“It’s a… a…”
The huge beast then bent down. It was hideous. It had to be around 50 feet tall. But it looked like a man. A man that had been inflated beyond belief. His giant belly towered above Joel. He only wore a loin cloth, revealing anything if Joel chose to look or not.
A huge hand swept down and picked them all up. It brought the trio up to its face. It was horrible as well. It reminded Joel a little bit of the fat porter back at University… but fatter...
“It’s… a… Danjamus!” Little Bozling suddenly screamed out.
Before Joel could do anything, the creature raised his hand to his mouth and put them all in. Joel looked in terror as he slid down the creature’s food pipe… not doing what lay down there…
TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 12 - ANAL DWELLING BUTT SHREW
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