My name is Daniel Webb. That’s all you need to know about me. Last year, I witnessed one of the most amazing things that I will probably ever see. To be honest, I doubt that you will ever witness anything like it either, that’s why I spent an entire year writing the events of that horrid day in Farnham.
I was unsure where to start as everyone remembers that fateful day slightly differently. Many will tell it in a much stranger way than others, so myself and my dedicated research team set out to make the truest form of “The Fairytale of Farnham”.
I suppose the story will start with the introduction of this events main protagonist, my single and only room-mate. Joel Maguet.
As far as we could tell Joel had a fairly good life up to this point. He started in a boarding school, in an unnamed location upon Planet Earth, I cannot give out this information due to what I am about to tell you. It’s important to know that at first Joel struggled in this new location. The girls would constantly try to trip him up, and the boys seemed to have a strange fascination with his ear lobes. Yes, his actual ear lobes. Some days he would just be walking down the corridor when he was pounced upon and had his ear lobes nibbled for a good few hours. Whatever it was about Joel’s ears I will never know. All that I do know is that Joel was put in many nasty situations over the years, and sometimes had to take what they gave him.
It wasn’t just the students though, I read about one horrific day when one of his teachers, an extremely large, slightly attractive yet unpleasant man aptly named “Monsieur Bunny” noticed Joel’s ears as well. Due to the horrendous size of his mouth, Monsieur Bunny couldn’t simply nibble gently on Joel’s ear; instead Monsieur Bunny managed to bite half of Joel’s face off. This occurred all the way back in Year 6, he pretty much spent the other 7 years getting face reconstruction surgery to make him look as he does today. How extremely unpleasant.
So, during these 7 years, Joel had to spend most of his time in a bed due to the extreme pain and discomfort the ear biting accident had caused him. He discovered over that period of time a wonderful love for film. All kind of movies began to entertain Joel, from Star Wars to Lord of the Rings to Free Willy, and I’m not talking about the version with the kid and the whale! One day, that proved more painful than others, he made it his vow in life to become a filmmaker after his injuries had healed, so sure enough, after the 7 years, he set off the University of Creative Arts in Farnham to study Film Production to finally live his dream.
This was where I met Joel for the first time. I remember it well. It was on a cool Autumn day. Joel had just been to the toilet… let me talk a little more about this. Joel’s facial reconstruction had one main problem, sometimes he could accidentally swallow some bone that they put in his face. Unfortunately this backfired one day when a bone the size of a Big Mac became lodged in his rectum. From that day on, he has had to poo a total of 54 times a day. A lot compared to you and me! I’m not entirely sure how the science of that works out, but it is definitely true. Anyhow… back to our story…
Joel was in the University toilet having one of his many poo’s. He likes to completely remove his trousers and his pants and place them neatly on the floor while doing this. He claims this gives him more freedom. Little did Joel know that the window behind him was open! A strong gust of wind blew threw it! The pants were lifted up into the air and flew straight out of the window! In a panic Joel ran out of the cubicle, in his haste, he had forgotten to put his trousers back on. He ran after his slightly soiled pants, blowing about in the wind. It was at this point that I come into the story. I was sitting down in the Student Union ready to eat my healthy salad for the day. I was talking to myself, as per usual. I didn’t look at my food while having this very important conversation with my mind, so I hadn’t realised that Joel’s pants had in fact landed on my plate. I cut, put on my fork, placed in my mouth… and chewed. The taste was utterly fantastic! Never had I tasted such a wide range of different flavours! I was however a bit confused as to why my salad tasted so much of cheese.
At this point, Joel burst into the Student Union, still with no trousers or pants on. He ran up to my table screaming NO in a very strange slow motion manner. He landed upon my plate, his butt poking towards my face. When he explained the situation to me at first I was a little disgusted, but then I remembered that fantastic flavour and couldn’t stay angry at him. From that day on, Joel and I remained great friends.
I consider myself to be a fairly upbeat and happy person, I am quite often hyper, though always stay extremely sophisticated. The same cannot be said for Joel however. It would appear that during his time in boarding school, he did lose most of his soul. He doesn’t like things that make other people happy. Joel does not enjoy a good chocolate bar. Joel does not believe in marriage, and hates weddings. Joel would rather use an innocent bunny rabbit as a pair of slippers rather than a pet. However, the most shocking to me was that Joel does not like Christmas.
This is where our main story starts.
It was a cold day in December. Whilst I was busy one day writing my memoirs inside my University Dorm room, a Christmas song came on my iTunes. I sang along to it in a fairly gay manner, looking forward to the upcoming weeks. At this point Joel burst into my room; once again he was wearing no trousers or pants… I wasn’t sure why this time though!
“What do you think you’re doing?” he cried.
“Listening to Christmas music, and writing my memoirs,” I replied quietly, slightly confused at the situation.
At this point Joel picked up my laptop and ate it. Literally, he ate my whole laptop. Chewed on the keys. Sucked the wires in like spaghetti. I was unable to do anything because I was still partly in shock. Once the whole computer had been consumed I finally screamed, “What the hell did you do that for!?”
He looked at me menacingly. “I hate Christmas Dan! Hate it! I’d rather eat poo than see another Christmas!!”
He then stormed out the room. I sat there, not knowing what to do. I then remembered an advert that I had seen in one of the many broadsheet newspapers that I read every day. I grinned to myself slightly and picked up my phone. I typed in the number, that magically I could remember perfectly and rung. When the person on the other end answered, I said into the headset, “Yes, I would like to order the large package please…”
The next day started like any other for Joel. He woke up around 1pm, as many University students do, and went for his usual poo in the shower. As he was sponging himself off, he heard the doorbell ring. Who could it be at this time of day, he thought to himself. He put on a t-shirt and walked out the bathroom. He opened the door.
“MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU WEARING NO TROUSERS!?” the bearded man at the door screamed.
Joel nearly fell back in shock. He had indeed forgotten once again to put on his trousers, but that wasn’t what surprised him. It was Brian Blessed, at his door!
“I AM HERE TO SEE A JOEL MAGUET! MY NAME IS BRIIIIAN BLESSED!” Brian screamed.
“Hello, it’s, umm, nice to meet you!” Joel said as he tried to focus on the situation. “I’m Joel, but what is it I can help you with?” he asked.
“YOUR FRIEND DANIEL GAVE MY COMPANY A CALL! BRIAN BLESSED BONZANA! I HELP PEOPLE THAT ARE IN DIRE NEED!” Brian shouted back.
“I’m sorry… you must be wrong, I don’t need any help. Plus… would you please stop shouting…”
Before Joel could finish his sentence, Brian screamed out again, “IT CAME TO YOUR FRIEND’S ATTENTION THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE THE WONDERFUL TIME OF CHRISTMAS! THIS SIMPLY WON’T DO! PLEASE COME CLOSER!”
Joel hesitated. “Why do you want me to come closer?” he asked carefully.
“PLEASE DO AS I SAY!” shouted Brian back at him.
Joel slowly paced forward, still wearing no trousers or pants. Brian Blessed grabbed him by the neck. Joel screamed out in terror, but no one was there to help him.
“I’M VERY SORRY CHUM! BUT YOU’VE BEEN OFFICIALLY CHOSEN FOR BRIAN BLESSED-IFICATION!” Suddenly, to Joel’s horror, Brian Blessed reached up with his other hand and grabbed the middle of his beard. With two fingers he parted the centre of his beard. Joel witnessed something amazing as this happened, as an entire world could be seen through the beard.
“What is that?” whimpered Joel.
“THAT IS WHERE YOU’RE GOING MY BOY!” Brian screamed back, spitting over Joel’s face.
Joel screamed in terror as Brian Blessed began to lift Joel up and slide him through his own beard. And as soon as it had started, Joel was gone.
I was unsure where to start as everyone remembers that fateful day slightly differently. Many will tell it in a much stranger way than others, so myself and my dedicated research team set out to make the truest form of “The Fairytale of Farnham”.
I suppose the story will start with the introduction of this events main protagonist, my single and only room-mate. Joel Maguet.
As far as we could tell Joel had a fairly good life up to this point. He started in a boarding school, in an unnamed location upon Planet Earth, I cannot give out this information due to what I am about to tell you. It’s important to know that at first Joel struggled in this new location. The girls would constantly try to trip him up, and the boys seemed to have a strange fascination with his ear lobes. Yes, his actual ear lobes. Some days he would just be walking down the corridor when he was pounced upon and had his ear lobes nibbled for a good few hours. Whatever it was about Joel’s ears I will never know. All that I do know is that Joel was put in many nasty situations over the years, and sometimes had to take what they gave him.
It wasn’t just the students though, I read about one horrific day when one of his teachers, an extremely large, slightly attractive yet unpleasant man aptly named “Monsieur Bunny” noticed Joel’s ears as well. Due to the horrendous size of his mouth, Monsieur Bunny couldn’t simply nibble gently on Joel’s ear; instead Monsieur Bunny managed to bite half of Joel’s face off. This occurred all the way back in Year 6, he pretty much spent the other 7 years getting face reconstruction surgery to make him look as he does today. How extremely unpleasant.
So, during these 7 years, Joel had to spend most of his time in a bed due to the extreme pain and discomfort the ear biting accident had caused him. He discovered over that period of time a wonderful love for film. All kind of movies began to entertain Joel, from Star Wars to Lord of the Rings to Free Willy, and I’m not talking about the version with the kid and the whale! One day, that proved more painful than others, he made it his vow in life to become a filmmaker after his injuries had healed, so sure enough, after the 7 years, he set off the University of Creative Arts in Farnham to study Film Production to finally live his dream.
This was where I met Joel for the first time. I remember it well. It was on a cool Autumn day. Joel had just been to the toilet… let me talk a little more about this. Joel’s facial reconstruction had one main problem, sometimes he could accidentally swallow some bone that they put in his face. Unfortunately this backfired one day when a bone the size of a Big Mac became lodged in his rectum. From that day on, he has had to poo a total of 54 times a day. A lot compared to you and me! I’m not entirely sure how the science of that works out, but it is definitely true. Anyhow… back to our story…
Joel was in the University toilet having one of his many poo’s. He likes to completely remove his trousers and his pants and place them neatly on the floor while doing this. He claims this gives him more freedom. Little did Joel know that the window behind him was open! A strong gust of wind blew threw it! The pants were lifted up into the air and flew straight out of the window! In a panic Joel ran out of the cubicle, in his haste, he had forgotten to put his trousers back on. He ran after his slightly soiled pants, blowing about in the wind. It was at this point that I come into the story. I was sitting down in the Student Union ready to eat my healthy salad for the day. I was talking to myself, as per usual. I didn’t look at my food while having this very important conversation with my mind, so I hadn’t realised that Joel’s pants had in fact landed on my plate. I cut, put on my fork, placed in my mouth… and chewed. The taste was utterly fantastic! Never had I tasted such a wide range of different flavours! I was however a bit confused as to why my salad tasted so much of cheese.
At this point, Joel burst into the Student Union, still with no trousers or pants on. He ran up to my table screaming NO in a very strange slow motion manner. He landed upon my plate, his butt poking towards my face. When he explained the situation to me at first I was a little disgusted, but then I remembered that fantastic flavour and couldn’t stay angry at him. From that day on, Joel and I remained great friends.
I consider myself to be a fairly upbeat and happy person, I am quite often hyper, though always stay extremely sophisticated. The same cannot be said for Joel however. It would appear that during his time in boarding school, he did lose most of his soul. He doesn’t like things that make other people happy. Joel does not enjoy a good chocolate bar. Joel does not believe in marriage, and hates weddings. Joel would rather use an innocent bunny rabbit as a pair of slippers rather than a pet. However, the most shocking to me was that Joel does not like Christmas.
This is where our main story starts.
It was a cold day in December. Whilst I was busy one day writing my memoirs inside my University Dorm room, a Christmas song came on my iTunes. I sang along to it in a fairly gay manner, looking forward to the upcoming weeks. At this point Joel burst into my room; once again he was wearing no trousers or pants… I wasn’t sure why this time though!
“What do you think you’re doing?” he cried.
“Listening to Christmas music, and writing my memoirs,” I replied quietly, slightly confused at the situation.
At this point Joel picked up my laptop and ate it. Literally, he ate my whole laptop. Chewed on the keys. Sucked the wires in like spaghetti. I was unable to do anything because I was still partly in shock. Once the whole computer had been consumed I finally screamed, “What the hell did you do that for!?”
He looked at me menacingly. “I hate Christmas Dan! Hate it! I’d rather eat poo than see another Christmas!!”
He then stormed out the room. I sat there, not knowing what to do. I then remembered an advert that I had seen in one of the many broadsheet newspapers that I read every day. I grinned to myself slightly and picked up my phone. I typed in the number, that magically I could remember perfectly and rung. When the person on the other end answered, I said into the headset, “Yes, I would like to order the large package please…”
The next day started like any other for Joel. He woke up around 1pm, as many University students do, and went for his usual poo in the shower. As he was sponging himself off, he heard the doorbell ring. Who could it be at this time of day, he thought to himself. He put on a t-shirt and walked out the bathroom. He opened the door.
“MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU WEARING NO TROUSERS!?” the bearded man at the door screamed.
Joel nearly fell back in shock. He had indeed forgotten once again to put on his trousers, but that wasn’t what surprised him. It was Brian Blessed, at his door!
“I AM HERE TO SEE A JOEL MAGUET! MY NAME IS BRIIIIAN BLESSED!” Brian screamed.
“Hello, it’s, umm, nice to meet you!” Joel said as he tried to focus on the situation. “I’m Joel, but what is it I can help you with?” he asked.
“YOUR FRIEND DANIEL GAVE MY COMPANY A CALL! BRIAN BLESSED BONZANA! I HELP PEOPLE THAT ARE IN DIRE NEED!” Brian shouted back.
“I’m sorry… you must be wrong, I don’t need any help. Plus… would you please stop shouting…”
Before Joel could finish his sentence, Brian screamed out again, “IT CAME TO YOUR FRIEND’S ATTENTION THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE THE WONDERFUL TIME OF CHRISTMAS! THIS SIMPLY WON’T DO! PLEASE COME CLOSER!”
Joel hesitated. “Why do you want me to come closer?” he asked carefully.
“PLEASE DO AS I SAY!” shouted Brian back at him.
Joel slowly paced forward, still wearing no trousers or pants. Brian Blessed grabbed him by the neck. Joel screamed out in terror, but no one was there to help him.
“I’M VERY SORRY CHUM! BUT YOU’VE BEEN OFFICIALLY CHOSEN FOR BRIAN BLESSED-IFICATION!” Suddenly, to Joel’s horror, Brian Blessed reached up with his other hand and grabbed the middle of his beard. With two fingers he parted the centre of his beard. Joel witnessed something amazing as this happened, as an entire world could be seen through the beard.
“What is that?” whimpered Joel.
“THAT IS WHERE YOU’RE GOING MY BOY!” Brian screamed back, spitting over Joel’s face.
Joel screamed in terror as Brian Blessed began to lift Joel up and slide him through his own beard. And as soon as it had started, Joel was gone.
TUNE BACK IN TOMORROW FOR CHAPTER 2 : LITTLE BOZLING
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ReplyDeleteOkay, Dan. Game on! ATTENTION: http://joelsbloggyblogblogness.blogspot.com/
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